A bitch in denial, a daddy’s boy and a golfer: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken on 07 19, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days.

4. Louis Oosthuizen

This dribbling piss of a name represents some dude who should be nameless but, thanks to everyone fucking up Tiger’s shit just because he crushed everything he felt like, now takes up some of your precious, limited memory space. Just like Graeme McDowell (is that spelled correctly? WHO CARES.). Yup, your spank bank just got smaller, unless you are into gap-toothed, short South African dudes.

Your whole Sunday, the last day before the long work week began, was filled with people saying this name like you’re going to need to remember it. Like this dude might be a future force to reckon with. Fucking golf.

Just to drum up interest, sportscasters and shit will keep asking each other if this guy has the ability to stick. Is this just the first of many dents this man will leave on the history of the sport? And everyone will say “maybe.” It’s hard to tell–but it is such an amazing story of the heroic effort of an unknown! It was fate and not really affected by a shit-ton of arbitrary factors and circumstances. And he’s such a regular guy, too, yet so even-keeled. This guy’s personality type is just perfect for golf.

Goddammit. Stop feeding me this shit, people. Let’s all just acknowledged that this guy is getting his 15 minutes of fame and not act like he’s worth remembering.

3. Johnny Jolly

This is a homer pick and doesn’t require a lot of explanation. I am a Packers fan. The Packers, their fans, and some other ogres have high expectations for the team this year. And Johnny Jolly is a pretty solid fit in the Packers’ 3-4 defensive scheme. Now, because party boy can’t keep his hands clean, he will be out for the entire season.

Now, I enjoy cramming large handfuls of codeine down my gullet to make my insides feel all cozy and comfy like the inside of a new sweatshirt just as much as the next guy. But the Packers can do just fine with me in drug-induced stupor. They’ve done it plenty of times before. Jolly, on the other hand, plays a fairly large role on the field of play. Well, not anymore.

I hope they put his ass in the clink for the longest sentence possible. He’s put a damper already on my football buzz and the season hasn’t even started yet. I was just beginning to get excited about training camp and shit. Hope had just begun to seep into my daily existence as the endless fucking off season actually approached an end. Thank, you fucking buzzkill.

At least I, and hundreds of other annoying Packers fans who unwantedly spout their inane opinions that they consider to be fact but which are based on just reactionary emotions, now have a scapegoat to blame when the team (what a fan refers to as “we”) fails to make it past the divisional round of the playoffs. Goddamn Packers.

2. Nate Montana

Joe Montana’s mediocre heir got busted in South Bend drinking alcohol while underage. Yeah, they all have to go through their rebellious stage, don’t they? The great ones, that is. Honestly, though, how the fuck did he end up at Notre Dame? If this story is to be believed, he spent last year as a back-up at a fucking community college. That’s hilarious! And he was expected to be challenged for the back-up role at the most annoying fucking college football university in the world! (Sorry, USC) It sounds less like following in dad’s footsteps and more like riding his coattails. Oh, well. And here, so many had hoped that little Nate’s would be an inspiring story of a walk-on who never gives up unlike anything we’ve ever seen!

Hate this guy because he is untouchable; unflappable like his father in the closing minutes of a huge game–like Louis Oosthuizen in everything he does. I imagine Notre Dame will have some statement this week to address this mass arrest of many of their delinquents, but the penalty will likely be small and no big deal. And there will likely be a very little price for Nate to pay legally. Maybe a fine? Joe’s got it covered.

Shit, no matter what happens to this guy he will always have an easier time hooking up with girls, affording creature comforts, getting into decent schools (I’ll give the golden domers credit for their academics, but that’s it) and overall landing comfortably on his feet no matter what the situation. He is Joe Montana’s kid. And while some may rue the fact that he’ll never be more than that (who?), he’ll be fine with it…just fucking fine.

1. Floyd Mayweather

Pretty Boy made no commitment to fight Manny Pacquiao last week, ignoring a deadline set by some slimy promoter. I’m alright with Floyd shitting on a promoter. That’s not why you should hate him. I hate him, and you should, too, because he’s being a bitch and pretending that he isn’t. Now, this dude could beat the shit out of me, to be sure, but he sure doesn’t act like it.

Oh, never mind! Apparently he just has other things on his mind right now besides a shit-ton of money and a very risky chance of cementing a place as one of the greatest ever pound-for-pound fighters! Well, duh!

It’s surely not because he’d probably lose and sully his rep…which he’s doing by not fighting. Fuck, dude. Everyone’s strapped for cash right now, but Floyd’s not concerned with money. He’s above your lame 9 to 5 concerns, bee-otches.

What a douchecanoe. Hate this guy with a passion every shitty minute you sit through the work day staring at the clock.

I read somewhere, probably from ESPN, that he might not fight because of his trainer’s legal troubles. The dude might have to go away for a very long time, apparently, and this leaves Floyd emotionally vulnerable to right hooks. Why would a fighter act like they can’t perform at a fight without their trainer present? He’s a grown man, for fuck’s sake. It’s like that Seinfeld when Jerry’s girlfriend always needs to have a mentor and he’s creeped out because she’s a grown woman, just like Floyd (zing!). Mentors are for troubled youths looking for some help finding direction in life, not a fully grown millionaire who punches dudes for money. Look at Jake La Motta. In the whole Raging Bull movie there is no portrayal of a big important relationship with any trainer other than his brother whom he belittles, bullies and beats the shit out of.

I’m sure more bullshit reasons will dribble out this week. Hate them all.