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Sports Pet Peeves

Kyle — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 19:55:31 +0000

This will be my first shot at writing a legitimate sports blog. So we’ll see how this goes. Make sure to hit me up on twitter @madsports8.

As I sat on my couch deciding what I was going to blog about, I realized that a lot of stuff on ESPN and on the broadcasts of games and discussions with friends that really annoyed me. Negativity and pessimism is a bit of a motif for me, so I decided to run with that. These are some of my biggest sports pet peeves.

1- Haters without a reason

This is just a theme in life, but it comes up CONSTANTLY in sports. When someone does something to piss of the public, it immediately becomes the cliché thing to do to hate that person. Or when a team wins a lot, it becomes immediately cliché to hate that team. Now it’s fine to have your athletes and teams you dislike…but please have a reason. Nothing is worse than a person ranting about how much they hate someone, then they have absolutely no reason why.

For example: the Lakers during the NBA Finals. Unless you’re a Laker fan, you hate the Lakers. I have yet to meet a basketball fan that is indifferent towards the Lake Show. But out of the woodworks during the finals there are Facebook posts and tweets abound cursing the Lakers, and insulting Sasha Vujacic’s stupid hair. But nobody really knows why they hate them. And the worst part is that these haters come out just for the playoffs…yes, haters have a bandwagon too (we’ll get to bandwagons later).

My point is though, that in general people that don’t know what they’re talking about will go to the cliché thing to say regarding that subject. We’re all guilty of it. When my friends ask me about NASCAR…Jimmie Johnson is good and Juan Pablo Montoya can’t close a race and Danica Patrick isn’t very good. Those are the cliché things I know about NASCAR. It’s the all out hatred that people have that seems to be out of nowhere and for no reason. So haters, educate yourselves on why you hate someone or something, and the sporting world will be a better place.

2- Comparing both past and current athletes

This one really has to stop because it’s getting really old and gets absolutely NOWHERE when being argued. The obvious one is Kobe vs. Lebron. The constant need of sports fans to compare players has gone from a fun activity to almost like a political campaign. These arguments have gone from, “Kobe is great at this while Lebron is great at this,” to “Kobe sucks. No, Lebron sucks. Rings, traitor, MJ blah blah blah.” It’s getting extremely old. Just to break it down, it’s apples to oranges. Kobe Bryant is a 6’6” 2 guard who has had to work to dominate. Lebron is a 6’9” 270 pound small forward who has been enormous and just dominated his whole life. Different styles, different positions, different teams, you can’t compare them.

It comes with football too. Peyton Manning will never be Joe Montana. Nobody will. Because Montana was the first to do what he did. Nobody will ever be Michael Jordan because MJ was the first to dominate when the NBA was blossoming in the 90’s. In baseball nobody will ever be Nolan Ryan or Ted Williams. They had pre-steroid, record shattering careers that even if matched statistically, will never be surpassed in greatness. The reason comparing all these athletes to each other is so damaging and annoying is because it never gets anywhere productive. People are going to have their thoughts on players, the guy that they worship and nothing is going to change that. Sports are like a religion to people. That sounds crazy but it really is. You go to church every Sunday and sit and watch, in sports you sit on your couch and watch the game. You worship whatever deity you worship in church. In sports you have your favorite players that you worship as well. So trying to change someone’s opinion about a favorite player or idol is like going into a church and change everyone’s mind. You can’t, so shut up and let players be great without having to live up to a certain expectation.

3- People that HATE hockey

Seriously with this though. What the hell. I guess this goes back to the fact hockey isn’t a wildly popular US sport, so not as many people follow or understand it, and therefore don’t like it. But I have friends that legitimately HATE hockey, and I can not for the life of me figure out why.

First off, playoff hockey is the most INTENSE playoff sport to watch. It’s like basketball style series’ and the high impact of football rolled into one. Only hockey playoffs go faster than basketball because they play EVERY OTHER DAY, and the high octane speed and hits keep coming, unlike in football where incomplete passes and runs into the line slow the game down quite a bit. Plus, hockey players are just all a little insane, so every single game every player on the ice is going all out because if you don’t, you may be leaving the ice on a stretcher.

Secondly, a hockey goal is the most exciting form of scoring in sports. Even more exciting than all the scoring Tiger has done over the years. (Golf joke in a hockey piece…ALMOST impossible). But seriously, a goal in hockey is the most exciting way to put points or runs or goals on the board out of all the sports. Look, football you can see the pass go up and see the receiver is breaking free 98% of the time, and therefore the excitement is drawn out. Baseball, you see the home run flying through the air or the line drive that’s going to get down to score the winning run. In basketball the only thing comparable is a last second game winning shot and even then, depending on where you’re at you can see where that shot is going to go. But hockey, hockey is a whole different animal. It’s setting up the offense, pass, pass, shot!…anticipation floods the body ready to explode in a matter of hundredths of a second…GOAL!!! And the place goes crazy. It’s constant edge of your seat nail biting stuff. And unlike soccer, a team can score 3 of those goals in just seconds. A 2-0 deficit with a minute to play in hockey isn’t insurmountable.

So I really don’t understand how one can dislike the game of hockey if they like all the other major sports because hockey really is the best part of every sport all mashed into one. And you can’t even complain about low scoring games because if it is a 1-0 or 1-1 game chances are there is some phenomenal goal keeping to watch, as well as constant chances for that tie or 1-0 deficit to be changed. So if you have not yet given hockey a chance. Do it. You won’t regret it.

4- The ridiculous amount of love the NBA gets

Professional basketball is getting downright boring to watch. Yeah, I said it. Not to say I don’t watch or that I don’t enjoy the sport, but it’s getting to the point where every game turns into a bore fest for a multitude of reasons.

First reason the NBA is boring is because players are getting less and less college experience, which leads to lower quality NBA players. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Same player, one year under coach K or four years under coach K, which one do you want? I’ll take the 4 year guy. Now I know that with AAU ball being so quality that it somewhat makes up for lost years in college, but it’s just an entirely different thing. Playing in the NCAA tournament is such a valuable experience for a player (shout out to Stephen Curry) and to not have that experience at all or have limited time in it is not beneficial for players and therefore, not beneficial to the league being fun to watch.

Another reason the NBA is a bore fest is the refs. It’s getting to a point where it’s almost impossible to watch. Every time a guy drives the lane it seems like there’s a foul. And I know we all know this, but then it gets worse when Glen Davis actually puts a legit block on Pau Gasol and it gets called a foul. Meanwhile on the other end Kobe drives, gets mauled by Tony Allen because he can’t keep up and refs let the game go on. It’s ridiculous. Basketball seems to be the only sport where this happens too. I know umps in baseball may have a bad strike zone or make a bad call at first to say, oh I dunno, blow a perfect game. But it’s not constant game in and game out and making baseball less exciting to watch. In football, yeah there may be a phantom interference call here and there or a bad roughing the passer call, but for the most part the players 100% decide the outcome. Hockey, again, has it down because it’s clear-cut what a penalty is and isn’t and it’s rare that you see a blatant bad call.

Just based on those couple of things and what I’ve said about hockey I really don’t get why there’s no love for the NHL but so much for the NBA. The NBA is turning into a joke, while the NHL keeps bringing the excitement year in and year out.

5- Tim Tebow.

That is all.

Ok, quick pause. I began this in July, and haven’t ever gotten around to finishing it. So this last piece is current, the rest of it is from awhile ago. But I feel this next thing is extremely relevant to the time.

6- Bandwagon fans.

This strikes a nerve with a lot of people. A friend of mine argues that bandwagon fans are good for a sport because it brings it people that normally don’t watch, and makes them fans, and they raise kids to become fans and so and so forth. I take a different look at it, in saying that bandwagon fans breed bandwagon fans. During this current World Series, living in Northern California, there are Giants fans popping up left and right. Under my friends argument, these people just tuning in for the World Series run will now love baseball forever. FALSE. They will not. They love the idea of being part of a winning team and being able to celebrate with friends and what not, which is great, have fun. When it comes to next April, however, and those same people find out there is, at a minimum 1,458 innings of baseball to play…they’re going to get bored and not pay attention until the Giants start winning. Almost guaranteed they’ll raise kids to be the same way.

This type of fandom breeds ignorance, and drives many real fans away. It is currently the trendy hipster thing to do to wear a Giants hat. Real Giants fans, is that cool? You’ve dealt with the torture all year. You’ve ripped out more hair than Brian Wilson’s beard could ever dream of. You questioned what was wrong with Tim Lincecum. You cursed out Aaron Rowand as he GIDP on the first pitch of an AB. Why should these people get to jump in now? Just in time to cozy up to a couple of lopsided World Series victories. That’s just not fair.

Its as if you had a class, where you did all the work. Homework, essays, working tirelessly through all nighters to pull out an A. You feel accomplished and you know you worked hard to get that grade. 10 people walk in on the last day of class, haven’t been to class once, say they’re enrolled, they all get that exact same A. That sure isn’t fair.

And the worst part about bandwagon fans is the refusal to admit it. I’m all about using “we” and “us” when describing your favorite teams. This is an entirely different issue, but I do it. I figure I pay money and invest my time and energy and emotions in this team, I’ll call it a “we.” But fans that all of a sudden notice the Giants are 2 wins from a World Series title and start saying “We are rocking tonight! Rowand making me proud.” That’s horrible. Its annoying. Its wrong. These people don’t give a s**t about the Giants. They want to be a part of something popular. Thats all that is. (yeah…take a sec to digest that one SF Fans, 2 wins from being World Champions).

I only pick out Giants fans because its relevant to right now and I have examples fresh in my mind. But Yankees, Lakers, Celtics, Cowboys (all of Lebron’s favorite teams…weird) all have bandwagon fans all the time. Its annoying, and its a big part of why these teams that always win get so much hatred spewed towards them. Its not a disrespect towards the product on the field or the court, its a product of 70% of the people walking around in a Yankee jersey having no idea who Francisco Cervelli is, but are still willing to rub it in your face that the Yankees have 27 championships. (In fact, next time a Yankee fan says that to you, ask them when the first one is…almost guaranteed they don’t know).

So those are some of my sports pet peeves. I’m sure I’ll think of more and blog about them. So this was my first blog. I love feedback, positive or negative, so let me know. I’m new to this so everything helps. Thanks for reading y’all. Stay tuned for more, and check out my twitter @madsports8 as well.

“I demand this man be sodomized!”: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:06:01 +0000

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those degrading moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter or catch him at 1yellerjournalist.com.

Hey, for the past two weeks I’ve bitched about the MLB awards taking forever to be awarded and look: The awards process IS STILL NOT DONE. Not, kidding. The two league MVP awards will be awarded this week which reminds me of this amazing question I heard once about a tree falling in the forest with nobody around to give a shit anymore.

Also, kudos to NASCAR for having a close championship race that came down to the final race of the season. For once the Chase was almost interesting. While I’d never actually waste my time to watch a race without the aid of some strange narcotics, I was interested enough to make a cursory check of the standings updates every week, including Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, Jimmie Johnson won again, which is really boring.

But I’ve gotta believe that having this slick California guy win every year really irks all the dipshit southern NASCAR fans who don’t realize all the drivers are the same generic salesman. Double kudos to the top three drivers for sort of talking shit about each other and trying to get under each others’ skin for the last few weeks. Good to see these guys actually care about winning races, even if it is just to lure more sponsors into giving them money.

3. Vince Young

So Vince Young, of the fragile psyche, got pulled from the Titans’ game against the Washington Redskins Sunday after hurting his finger and playing like shit. And then he apparently stripped a large portion of his uniform off after the game ended, changed quickly and stormed off the premises without talking to the media.

According to Titans coach Jeff Fischer, who I can never tell if he is a huge jerk-off or just a disciplined hard-ass, Young never even lobbied his coach to get back in the game, claiming his thumb was fine as I assume most good quarterbacks would do. Instead, he threw a hissy fit after the game was over and Fischer has stripped him of the starter role.

And fantasy players like me hoping for Young to live up to his potential again realize Young can fuck you over several times per year and cock tease fans more efficiently than a gif of Sofia Vergara in a tight dress. HOW DO THOSE BOOBS NOT FALL OUT?

Anyway, this guy is a huge baby and refuses to work hard for the large amount of money he makes. I hate him. All the shit I go through at my job and all the effort I put in and I’ll never make nearly as much money as this whiny punk does. Jeebus, how could anybody with that much athletic talent not keep their job as a starter? Maybe that Wunderlich test is more relevant than people give it credit for.

Thank God for those Vergara gifs or I’d totally lose my shit right now.

2. Harvey Perlman

This week in university chancellors who kick their head football coach when he’s down because the thing about him that brings success to the school’s football program looks a little too real for him on television: Nebraska’s Chancellor, Harvey Perlman is going to call Coach Bo Pelini into his office to ask him to behave with the gentlemanly decorum that people have come to expect from the University of fucking Nebraska.

I honestly don’t understand what the dude’s problem is. Yeah, Pelini looked a little spastic during that game against Texas A&M but his team was getting called for penalties at the rate of about 37 per minute*. And he’s an intense dude to begin with, which is probably an attribute that attracts a lot of recruits who want to play for a badass coach that wins.

So, just because your team lost doesn’t mean you can take the opportunity to pile shit on your coach. I hope Pelini savagely beats and rapes your ass for trying to call him out in public, Perlman. I can only imagine he will have to garner all of his self control to prevent himself from completely ravaging your prissy, soft, jasmine-scented little brown hole.

Fuck you. Hard.

Beeteedubs, the Wisconsin Badgers are the true Big Red. Fact.

1. Derek Jeter

Jesus Christ, Derek Jeter. You’re not good anymore so the Yankees are offering, like $15 million a year for three years, to your 36-year-old fading talents solely because they are trying to be nice and avoid the negative publicity of losing you.

But avoiding that negative publicity is only worth so much before they’ll just bite the bullet and let your ass go. The fans will get over it when the club whens another World Series in a year or two without you.

So don’t whine about what your being offered and how it is not equal to what you’ve meant to the club over the years. You’ve already been paid handsomely for that.

You’re old. You’re declining in skills. Your defensive skills have been highly overrated your whole career to begin with. The Yankees are offering to overpay you for three years and no more. Good luck trying to get some other team to offer more money for more years to a guy who means nothing to their fanbase and who kinda sucks now.

Just milk the Steinbrenners’ tits for all they will allow and move on to a life of an uber-rich 40-year-old with no professional obligations, you lucky bastard. Stop trying to play for public sympathy because it pisses me off. There is no reason anybody should feel sorry for you. You practically swim in A-plus grade snatch, after all.

Plus, there was way too much speculation in the zillion months leading up to the end of the season about what the Yankees would do about the aging face of their franchise. And you better believe their will be a lot more updates about this situation as both sides keep lobbing underhanded insults and pointing the finger at each other through the media.

Finally, I am a firm believer that any dipshit Yankees fan who says The Captain should be paid whatever he wants should be called into Bo Pelini’s office for a very rough sodomization.

LARPers vs. Quidditch lovers: Who ya got?: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 14:00:31 +0000

Purchased Mario Kart for the Wii at a pawn shop this weekend. That was a great purchase.

Also wanted to point out I got a double colon into the title of this entry. Pretty awesome, right? You’re damn right it is.

Now on to the hate!

3. Baseball Writers Association of America

For those who don’t know, this is the group that decides what baseball writers get to vote for the sport’s awards and coordinates all that ruckus. So, this lame-ass group of nerds is just now getting around to announcing the winners of the major awards for Major League Baseball. About a month too late. Slow old bastards.

And this means more stupid baseball discussions and arguments about the 2010 season which everybody was only too glad to finally be rid of after the damn thing took, like, 3 years to complete.

Slap hard the first person who asks you, in a disbelieving, outraged voice, if you can believe that Player X won the Cy Young. Dude, Player Y had the lower ERA and yadayadayada. Blow me.

You wanna know the worst thing about this timing? According to this article, the ballots for all these awards were sent in BEFORE THE PLAYOFFS EVEN STARTED. These bastards held on to these results for a month and a half and waited till two whole weeks after end of the World Series to announce this shit. When all healthy people were ready to move on, these guys are trying to force their baseball-is-life agenda onto the rest of the sporting world.

They should have announced this news starting the day after the Series ended. Then there would have been a couple of fun-filled, news-significant days of baseball as sort of a wild finale to the season. But instead, baseball has to make everything happen slowly and drag it out as long as possible.

Snore.

Are they not aware that many people have already emotionally distanced themselves from caring? Well, at least I have. And this is the exact reason why I never remember who wins any of these awards.

2. Quidditch enthusiasts

Don’t act like you don’t know what quidditch is. I’ve never read a Harry Potter book or seen any of the movies and I still know what this is, unfortunately.

And too many college kids are now trying to pretend this game is legit. It is not. Here and here are a couple stories from last week about this terrible trend coming from the university that brought you God’s nephew, Tim Tebow. *cue armpit fart*

The popularity of this thing is seemingly riding this ever building wave of retardery as some people with too much free time have realized there were other people with too much free time who also don’t understand the concept of taking irony too far. They take comfort in not being alone in this handicap and these quidditch enthusiasts (I will not refer to these people as quidditch “players.” Ever.) grow ever more bold in their public displays of unfunny stupidity — the worst kind of stupidity. They’ve even deluded themselves in to taking it seriously.

Don’t people see this is just another form of LARPing? You fucks are pretending to fly on brooms!

I would support NCAA-sanctioned LARP championships before I would support this. I mean, LARPing can be dramatically awesome or totally hilarious (LIGHTNING BOLTS!). Quidditch is none of those things.

I’ve tried to ignore this stupd craze but recently it’s been getting way too much press for my taste. I remember working for the University of Wisconsin student newspaper (the good one) when a small group of students first brought this game to campus and someone wrote about it. And someone wrote about it again. I had hoped it would live a short irony-filled life and go away. It has not.

I don’t know what it will take to get these people to stop trying to legitimize their lameness but I hope it happens soon. Those Ultimate Frisbee kids are getting really angry over someone threatening their monopoly on stupid college pseudo-sports.

1. Duke Blue Devils

Yay, college basketball is back to keep me mildly intrigued for a few months before it actually gets interesting and meaningful! And with that comes the team we love to hate, Mike Kzryzewski’s Duke Blue Devils and the team’s immensely annoying fans, the super self-congratulatory Cameron Crazies. I assume the bathrooms in that arena are just loaded with people smugly smelling their own farts.

But is it the fault of the Duke basketball team that they are the team at whom we all channel our hatred for classist, entitled wealthy pricks? Who cares? Why question it? You don’t question the existence of Jesus, do you? Of course not. Then you’d clearly go to hell. That’s science.

And as if God smiles down on us and our hateful ways, the Blue Devils are even ranked number one in both major polls, providing even more fuel to the fire. It’s time to hate, folks, and hate hard.

Hey, remember when Duke won the national championship last season? Yeah. That sucked. But I also remember when the Wisconsin Badgers beat the Blue Devils during the Big Ten/ACC Challenge. That was awesome. That is all.

Does a Vikings win help or hurt the team’s fans?: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 16:33:39 +0000

Hey, have I missed the announcement of the MLB MVPs and Cy Young winners or has that shit actually not been announced yet? If so it’s just proof that Major League Baseball cannot do anything in a way that doesn’t piss me off.

The fucking season lasted 8 fucking years and they haven’t decided on the best players yet? Goddamn, I just want to move on and actually have long stopped truly caring. Stopped caring enough that I’m not even gonna Google this to find a quick answer. This is why nobody can ever remember who wins this shit because MLB misses its window of relevance every year.

Anyway, sorry to leave you hanging but last weekend was my two year anniversary and I spent the whole weekend with my lady ignoring sports. And I was having such a good time the only thing I hated last weekend was that it had to end. Seriously, Brett Favre could have raped and murdered Aaron Rodgers and I still wouldn’t have been that mad about it.

On another random note, watching my beloved Green Bay Packers rape the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday night actually made me feel pretty dirty. Like seeing a sixth grader beat up a kindergartner. Just sad and wrong.

3. Charlie Villanueva

By now you’ve heard the story: Kevin Garnett told Charlie Villanueva he looks like a cancer patient during a game between the Boston Celtics and the Detroit Pistons. And then Villanueva went out and tweeted this.

Yikes! *exaggeratedly pulls on collar*

He went to get support from fans for that shit? He didn’t throw a hard elbow while Garnett went for a rebound or violently hip-checked him while jostling for position?

Listen, man: The arena of athletic competition is the last place where it is encouraged to fight violence and cruelty with more violence and cruelty. Don’t be a sissy about it. At least come back with a nice zinger about the taste of Garnett’s mom’s vajayjay or tell him he runs like a fag or something.

You have a job where this shit is acceptable, man! Do you have any idea how many people would love to be able to shit-talk their coworkers or throw a hard elbow into them when jostling for position at the coffee machine without getting fired or sued? Is Twitter just gonna be a place for athletes to tattle on each other? Actually that might be kind of fun to follow.

Also, I’m not going to accept any argument that maybe Villanueva is above such low behavior, Tony Dungy.

I don’t think Villanueva is angry because of Garnett’s flippant attitude toward cancer so let’s all drop the stupid outrage. Instead I think he’s pissed because the insult hit a little too close to home for him. What I mean is I don’t think this is the first time Villanueva has been hit with this specific taunt in his life and I think it sticks in his craw more than any other cruelty leveled toward him. But, hey, if I had to take some pretty personal emotional abuse in order to make the kind of bank Villanueva makes, and had the option to return fire, then I’d do it in a heart beat. Money makes a lot of pain go away.

So get over it and enjoy cashing those checks, Smooth.

(I’m not even going to get into Garnett’s stupid excuse other than to point out the great Twitter trend it sparked, politically correct trashtalk.)

2. Bitter Cleveland Cavaliers fans

In case you haven’t seen it, some Cavs fans made a response video to LeBron James latest Nike commercial. I’m sure this gave Bareknucks Editor Bob a throbbing self-righteous hard-on, but I’ve gotta say: Get the fuck over it.

It’s your own fault. “We want you to be who you said you were.” Jesus, he was marketing himself. He’s a professional athlete with an earning potential he wanted to increase. Playing the hometown hero was the easiest, most obvious way to do that at one time. But who the fuck wouldn’t have left? Yeah, he did it in a shitty manner and he is undoubtedly a selfish prick, but he was always that. You fucks were just too pathetic to realize it.

And, I’ve got to be honest, it’s been long enough and my sympathy for you has long run out so move on.

Shit, I’ve got real problems to worry about. My dreaded weekly Monday staff meeting approaches. My student loans are coming due. I’m unsure how to convince my girlfriend to do anal and am not sure if I’ll even like it. Sheesh. Problems, man. Problems.

Plus the jilted girlfriend story is old. Now I’m more interested in the story line of the Miami Heat’s season. How good will they truly be when they get some time together and start to gel? Will they be so dominant as to get in the all-time great conversation? Will their lack of a truly dominant big-man hamper them from a championship?

Yeah, it’s actually interesting, unlike your insistent blubbering, Cavs fans. The pity party’s over. Man up. There will be a lot more LeBron James commercials and I don’t want to be reminded about your hurt feelings every time that happens. You’re not the first fanbase who lost a beloved sports icon. Speaking of…

1. Brett Favre

Damn, damn, damn!

I should have known Favre would ruin my week spent soaking in ever increasing Minnesota Vikings schadenfreude. In case you were too busy researching anal sex situations gone wrong (so fake but so funny in it’s attempt to recreate reality) to catch any football Sunday, Old Balls led his team back from 14 points down in the 4th quarter in Minneapolis to beat the Arizona Cardinals in overtime.

Basically, he just saved Brad Childress’ job. After the Moss fiasco, and Chilly’s allegedly super-heated argument with Percy Harvin Friday, reports were that Vikings owner Zyggle Wharf (close enough) was seriously considering giving Chilly the axe. Yup, the team was ready for disaster to explode all over their faces in a warm, salty goo of lusty horror. And then the team was about to lose a home game that would likely leave them out of playoff contention.

A mid-season coaching change seemed inevitable, and that kind of shit in the NFL basically means the team is scrapping the rest of the season and I could have enjoyed the Vikings fans dejected feelings for an extended period of time.

Oh, well. Just delaying the inevitable and prolonging the pain for fans of the Minnesota Vikings, which is actually pretty awesome as far as I’m concerned. But still, that would have made my week to start it with the news that Childress was fired and the Vikings were just treading water the rest of the year until they could try to get a better coach.

Chilly just might have steered his ship right back toward destruction, however, with his post game press conference which he used as an opportunity to take potshots at the same aging drama queen quarterback on whom he bet all his chips and who saved his ass Sunday. Man, you give that man a shovel and nobody could dig a deeper hole with such unshakeable zest.

The official point in the season it’s safe to give up on your fantasy football team: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 16:28:35 +0000

People should be excited about the World Series that starts this week. I know a lot of people will be talking about how this year’s series will suffer in the TV ratings because neither of the larger market teams will be playing, but this one is so much more fun. Like ugly people who have to develop character in order to be found tolerable, small market teams have to develop unique identities to find a way to win like the Rangers and Giants have done so far this year. The teams are actually fun to watch and easy to root for — something that is rare in baseball.

Granted, there is no “David vs. Goliath” aspect to this series as both teams are Davids. However, these rosters are full of great stories and hilarious stories and a still running story of possible all-time great playoff pitching dominance with Cliff Lee. He alone is worth watching .Even the people in the Yankees organization are excited about it, ready to utilize an opportunity to scout their number 2 starter next year.

And the Rangers are looking for their first ever World Series win while the Giants are looking for their first title since they moved to San Francisco.

On another note, I love how the college football’s number ones keep falling and Boise State still can’t crack the top two in the BCS. Haha, Broncos! Play somebody.

3. Brett Favre

When I first laid down what can only loosely be referred to as an outline for this column last night, it was before the end of the Sunday night game between the Packers and Vikings. And so I listed Brett Favre because of his stupid denial of sending shots of his dong to Jenn Sterger. Now he admitted to the voicemails but denied the photos. Not surprising. He must be dumb enough to assume nobody could get the evidence to trace that dick to him. Deadspin points out, though, the messages and photos came from the same phone number.

Yeah, it’s easy for people to dismiss a claim by Deadspin but don’t think Jenn Sterger does not still have the photos which, as anyone with a cell phone can verify, will show the number from whence they were sent. Maybe Favre’s explanation will be suitable for Goodell and his NFL cronies but if Sterger is serious about getting her money, her lawyers will have no trouble proving to the proper authorities that Favre sent that shit. Better get your hush money ready, Old Balls.

And then there was Favre’s limp. I can’t tell you how many people were blowing up Twitter enjoying Favre’s selective limp. The guy just loves to show how he’s gutting out the pain that would crush a lesser quarterback. Man, can you imagine how mistake-free he would be if he were healthy? Oh, you guys didn’t know? Yeah, his ankle hurts. That’s why he threw those three picks. You know what? Here’s an ultimate hate-filled rant I think we can all appreciate. It’s pretty epic. A Vikings fan responding emotionally to last night’s effort.

2. Terrelle Pryor

Terrelle Pryor can suck it and here’s why.

So the Badgers weren’t better than you, eh? Well, I’m sure you’re probably right about that so I should just take your word for it, but just in case if you’ll just allow me to check the scoreboard… 31-18! What?

Oh that’s right. The nation’s most overhyped quarterback is also now the king of sour grapes. Guess what, Terrelle? Your name doesn’t need a third ‘e’ and the Badgers played better than your team a week ago. So if a team plays better than you, then I’d argue that they were better than you. Outside of playing, what else is a team supposed to do? Maybe the Buckeyes are better dancers or better tippers.

Have fun being a back-up tight end in the NFL, buddy.

1. Ray Rice and others like him

No, not Rutgers alumni. I mean all backs who were supposed to be featured backs who haven’t done shit. I’m in a league that allows you to keep one player each season and Rice was my keeper. He scored 4 fucking points this week.

It’s now at the point in the season where you cannot say, “It’s early yet, this situation will right itself.” It won’t. The few touchdowns the Ravens get on the ground they give to McGahee. Their passing touchdowns go to Boldin. Rice scored more than 10 points only once and that was in Week 6 and I thought he might have caught his stride. Nope. Right back to what apparently passes as a typical week for him.

Fuck you McGahee.

And guess what. Thomas Jones will continue to fuck over Jamaal Charles. And Ryan Mathews was officially over-hyped in the preseason.

God, I hate fantasy football.

Jennifer Aniston probably hates these retards: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:37:45 +0000

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

Breaking News! Brett Favre played for the Vikings on Sunday! ZOMG!

Just kidding. That’s not news except for anybody retarded enough to think he considered not coming back. The only way Favre was ever not going to return would be if his ankle surgery resulted in an infection in his blood that killed him 4 days later. But hey, sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I hope this means he’ll throw a crucial interception to Al Harris in a big game with the Packers this year that affects the playoff picture or something. I will skeet all over my girlfriend’s face without warning if this happens. Let this be the test to see whether or not she actually reads this column like she swears she does. I’ll know if she wears a garbage bag poncho to the living room when I watch the first Packers-Vikings match-up of the season.

Also, why the fuck did NBC play Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” as the segue music leading into commercials? It just didn’t fit and it felt weird. That song is only for drunken karaoke (redundant?). I imagine it has to do with Favre’s constant striving for another super bowl. God, I hate NBC. Put them as #5 on this list. I’m pissed just thinking about another year of that shitty Faith Hill intro song for Sunday Night Football. She’s not hot anymore. Or talented…ever.

Btw–the word “retarded” this week is brought to you by Jennifer Aniston, a lady after my own heart.

4. Dudes who act like Ryne Sandberg will save the Cubs

Yeah, Sweet Lou has gone, Cubbies fans. And no, Ryne Sandberg won’t save your team so stop acting like he would.

It doesn’t matter how good he is at managing, there are some serious problems with the entire organization, not the least of which is that I’m stuck living in Cubs fan territory and have to listen to all the deluded gloating and bitching alternate. The trouble is all the gloating and bitching sound exactly the same coming out of Cubs fans’ mouths. I just fucking hate them. Even my local friends turn into overbearing fuckrags as soon as baseball is brought up.

Okay, admittedly that was a tangent. But it just seems like this team has been awful at spending its money well over the years and that has nothing to do with the manager. No manager could win with a roster full of overpaid veterans who underperform, psychotic uncontrollable assholes, and promising young stars who can’t stay healthy. Tim Tebow himself couldn’t manage a team like that to a title.

I feel like the Cubs are K-Mart to the Yankees’ Walmart. Like they both have the same business plan but one of them executes it really well and the other just can’t execute the same game plan as well. And the success of one makes the shortcomings and failures of the other all the more obvious. Man, K-Mart is depressing.

So temper your expectations, Cubs fan who thinks Sandberg will be great. You’re just going to blame him unfairly when he can’t work miracles with the lemons he’s given.

3. Jay Mariotti

Jay Mariotti is a loudmouth who writes for AOL Fanhouse (he gets paid?) and often loudly makes no sense on ESPN’s Around the Horn show. Well, he got arrested this weekend for felony domestic battery.

Obviously hitting your girlfriend or wife or whatever is never a good thing unless she threatens to narc you out for operating a lucrative meth ring, or she likes to play rough in the sack.

Mariotti is terribly annoying and oversimplifies everything and I’m pretty sure he pretends his blog is a “column” instead of a blog because he doesn’t live in his parents’ basement. Yeah, he’s that kind of guy. If you need any reason to hate this guy I’m sure his shitty columns and his ESPN appearances can be found easily. Also just search his name on Deadspin.com. There should be no shortage of evidence of his douchcanoery. I just don’t have the effort to find reminders to hate Mariotti. The hate already runs deep with me.

2. The Redskins and Albert Haynesworth

Albert Haynesworth is a huge dick who stomps on people’s bare heads with metal cleats and generally acts like a selfish baby. The funny thing is Haynesworth said at the time he was ashamed of this stomping incident because it wasn’t representative of who he was. I believed him. I said, “Lay off him. A lot of guys can do shitty things in the heat of a passionate, violent game.” But it turns out that action years ago was perfectly indicative of the kind of asshole he really is.

Then it was easy to dog him this year for showing up to training camp out of shape and indignant about it. Then the asshole Redskins who can never do anything to help their image told us that they had indeed fucked Haynesworth over.

Now, I almost have to side with Haynesworth and I don’t want to do that. Who’s fault is that? The Redskins’ fault, that’s who. So fuck them for giving Haynesworth and moral high ground and fuck him for not really deserving any moral high ground but getting some from a retarded organization that cannot get out of its own way. Fuckin’ retards.

1. Tony Dungy

Tony Dungy doesn’t like swearing. I hate Tony Dungy.

What’s more, I hate everybody who refers to him as “classy” and “an ambassador for the NFL”. It’s probably not news at this point, but for anybody who spends their work hours actually looking at spread sheets and crunching numbers instead of following NFL news, Dungy whined about Rex Ryan’s excessive swearing on HBO’s “Hard Knocks” and said Ryan was doing the league a disservice by representing it poorly. What a fucking dickhole.

Hate Dungy for trying to further the NFL’s brand name blandness. It’s like Dungy revels in the league’s reputation as the “No Fun League”. But if a league is no fun, Dungy, then it is not entertaining. Then it is baseball.

So fuck your sensitive ears, Tony Dungy. I don’t care if parents can’t watch the show with their kids because it’s a fucking HBO show so, like any HBO show, there just might be some dirty in there. And I honestly would have no beef about watching a show with my kid that had a lot of swearing. My dad had a potty mouth that fit the badass ex-Marine that he was and look at me, I turned out perfectly fine…

…hmmmm…

Well, anyway, if my son is such a football fan and wants to be a football player then I want him to see the badass dudes he hoped to associate with. Football is badass, goddammit.

I feel like Dungy wants the NFL to be the family-friendly, Siegfried and Roy type of Las Vegas when the good NFL is actually the coke, gambling and strippers type of Las Vegas.

So I have one thing to say to these bland, universal appeal marketers: DO NOT RUIN FOOTBALL. I NEED THIS.

Jose Canseco will now be saved by The Pretender, Glen Coffee: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 13:00:10 +0000

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

3. Jose Canseco

The Bash Brother turned best-selling author turned terrible fighter has now become a softball player or something. He’s broke now and has had his house foreclosed on, I think. I would look it up to confirm any details but I don’t care.

What I do care about is that he’s tweeting his inner pain and self pity. Check it out.

Holy fucking balls is he a whiner! Shit, buddy. You made millions in baseball and wrote a best-selling book! You couldn’t invest a little bit of that money in some conservative stocks to give yourself a nest egg? Fuck you, idiot. I mean, I know a lot of people like to excuse him and say shit like, “He’s been right about steroids all along!” But I don’t care.

He didn’t write Juiced because he wanted to clean up the game. He just needed some money and had no problem selling out his “friends” to do it. Shit, even I’m not that sleazy, though I could forgive sleaze if he’d just be honest about his motives. I consider it disrespectful to my own intelligence that he thinks that I, and others, believe he wrote that book for any reason other than money.

So, if you need someone to hate, just go through his Twitter account and read some of that self-pitying horseshit. It will boil your blood. What does it even mean when he calls himself a modern day Frankenstein? Is he saying he’s a misunderstood monster who cannot by nature fit into society? God, what an asshole. I would’ve made him number one on this list because of his behavior but he doesn’t matter enough.

2. The PGA

The PGA fucked up a sweet-ass major tournament playoff Sunday, giving Dustin Johnson a two-stroke penalty on the last hole which kept him out of the 3-hole playoff. More importantly, the PGA fucked up my full enjoyment of being lazy and seeing some entertaining golf at the same time. Yeah, that’s right: entertaining golf! Instead of rooting for the big-swinging young American, I had to choose between some knock-kneed tiny Floridian (Floridians are almost as bad as Texans) and some robot-efficient German.

Who the fuck cares about some rule about “grounding your club” when playing out of a bunker. I’m still not even sure what that means. And no casual fan cares, either. The PGA had a chance to thrill people with some great tension. They had Dustin Johnson trying to redeem himself after falling apart on the last day of the U.S. Open. And it seemed like he may fall apart again — he missed the putt that he thought would’ve iced the tourney — or he might hold it together! But nope. Instead viewers were able to be bored to death and confused by some tiny, obscure rule.

Way to fuck yourselves, PGA. The fucks might not need to rely on Tiger so much for ratings if they could keep their own tight-ass, old white man rules in check.

And mumbling Mark Wilson didn’t help the situation. CBS trotted out the PGA vice president of mumbling incoherently and stuttering to “explain” the situation. He didn’t do this well. I get that a rule is a rule, but this is as bad as basketball players being suspended for vital playoff games because they crossed their “bench line” to try to break up a fight. It’s all stupid. Sports is entertainment, so stop fucking around and entertain me.

The final two men left in the tourney for the playoff were so unappealing that I ended up falling asleep on the couch, which is cool. However, I would have preferred to watch Dustin Johnson have a chance at redemption and then I could’ve fallen asleep on the couch afterward.

1. The AVP

The professional beach volleyball league has no money and has closed up shop. Here’s their goodbye.

When I first found out about this I wrote down a note to remember it for this column. Here’s the note:

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

This was, by far, the world’s sexiest sport. So much spank bank material. Whether you dig girls or guys, beach volleyball players love their bodies and love to show them off, all tanned and barely covered. And I loved to watch.

Goddammit! Aren’t people buying enough Crocs for Crocs to sponsor the league any more? Shit, if I’d known there was so much trouble I would’ve bought a pair. I bet the news of Brett Favre sending Jenn Sterger textpics of him jacking his dong while wearing his Crocs has something to do with this. That is not the kind of endorsement any company wants. I can only imagine the strange grin on his face in that pic. GO AHEAD. PICTURE IT!

Anyway, this at least gives us all a question we can ponder and debate during the boring, long hours of the work week: What is the new sexiest professional sport? The correct answer is women’s golf, the LPGA. Sorry, tennis.

*Bonus Fun News to follow for the week: Glen Coffee is solid speculation gold

23-year-old, second year running back Glen Coffee retired from the 49ers. Man, that’s good shit. This provides us the opportunity to speculate/list/bet on the reason for Coffee’s “retirement.” You could also get a pool going over how long until he returns to work off that $600,000+ he owes the team.

I hope it comes out that he quit football to pursue his true passion of making scented candles. After all, that internet makes it real easy to sell candles globally so the time has never been better to get started. His mint chocolate scent is truly to die for!

Or maybe he’s gonna design and market ready-to-assemble, high end tree houses. Or he’s gonna pan for gold. Or he’s gonna open a moped rental business for tourists in Italy. Or maybe he has a debilitating meth addiction.

All are truly hilarious possibilities, really. Sort of.

It just occurred to me that maybe Coffee is a Pretender and there was some person that he could only help by being a football player! He must have just finished saving that person! Holy shit this man is to be commended. I will miss him and hope I see his face as the doctor about to perform my heart surgery just before the anesthesia knocks me out. I imagine I’d recognize him and just as I was about to say his name the drugs would take effect and I’d only get out, “Gle….”

His surgical team would be none the wiser.

Purple lips, stupid fuck-ups, and cocks who think LeBron is still news: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 16:45:16 +0000

I’m drunk. It’s late Sunday evening as I write this. I want to go to bed. Nothing is happening right now in sports because NFL training camps are too new to bring any real drama, yet. I hate the sports leagues for not planning their shit better. Fix your schedules, dicks. I need some fucking action. All this makes me grumpy. So take the entire sports world as the 4th dude you should hate this week. Here’s three more dudes who piss me off enough that they surpass all these other assholes.

3. A-Rod

Hit the fucking home run already so I can stop hearing about it. See, this guy agrees.

I don’t hate A-Rod for his money, or his stupid photo poses, or his luck with the ladies, or his choking in big situations before this past post-season, or even his being a Yankee. I just hate him because his approach to 600 homeruns has all the sports journalists talking about how sad it is that it’s not a bigger story that he’s about to cross this big plateau.

He’s not the only one who took steroids, by a long shot, and yet he’s still one of the few about to enter the 600 homer club. Still pretty cool. Also: yes, I get it that home run numbers are not as big or important as they used to be. Is that news? Who the fuck just realized that? That’s not news.

So I hate this fuck because he won’t just cross that line so these other fucks will stop musing out loud about these shitty questions. Just give me Packers training camp updates.

2. Jeremiah Masoli

Hey! Huston Nutt gave him a chance to redeem himself! The one thing I hate the most is people who act like the media fucked them by reporting inaccurate information. According to this story, the disgraced, troublemaking former Oregon Ducks quarterback has his own website where he points out media factual errors. I assume he created this section on his website to clear his name.

Yup, he’s just another victim of inaccurate media reports. Here’s the page. It’s great. He proves nothing but that he hasn’t learned anything and he still won’t admit he’s a piece of shit.

“But he hugs his Grandma!” you say. That could be some old lady he’s squeezing to steal her purse, for all I know. Even if it is his grandma, that doesn’t mean shit. Even Jeffrey Dahmer had a Grandma. I’m pretty sure he did, at least.

Really, though. You have to be a complete piece of shit to get kicked off the Oregon football team when you are the star quarterback. Hell, LeGarrette Blount was allowed back on the team in the same season after being caught suckerpunching a dude in the face on national television. If he were an innocent victim of media misrepresentation, his coach, teammates and university would have bent over backwards to stick by his ass and they would’ve defended him to the death.

But, no. They admitted he was a piece of shit and kicked him to the curb, risking their season.

So fuck you. I’m so sick of people blaming the media and acting like all the media wants to do is smoke them all. Oh, so sorry Jeremiah. Apparently he wasn’t ever arrested for burglary. But he was charged with it and pleaded guilty to the charge. Guess what, this means he ADMITTED HE WAS GUILTY OF THE CHARGE. Fuck you, whiner. Good luck in Mississippi. I think you’ll find it really similar to your home state of California and you should be comfortable there where racial harmony reigns.

1. Anybody who still talks about LeBron or the Miami Heat

Doesn’t matter where you stand on the question of how big a douche LeBron is. I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

As a journalist who has to cover two counties I can spend a good amount of time in my car. I typically listen to the ESPN radio station and catch their better show hosts. I am also always hoping to catch exciting sports news and fresh takes on it.

However, over the past two weeks I seem to always be in the car when Colin Cowherd comes on to piss all over my sense of decency. Really, the guy acts like a fucking brilliant psychologist, and the only man brave enough to tell me what I really think about things. He acts like fandom is a joke and he is above it when, really, if it weren’t for fans, and their need for escape, there would be no large sports industry to overpay his stupid ass. Fuck him.

But what bothers me most is that he keeps spending all his air time relating everything that happens in the entire world of sports to LeBron James. Goddammit. He supports LeBron and his choices and how he’s building and protecting his own image and money. I don’t begrudge him that. You know what, whiners? LeBron did have that choice to have “The Decision” and he earned that opportunity and he can do what he wants. Yes, he outed himself as a douchebag and shattered any moron’s fantasy of him being a savior. But guess what? 99% of professional athletes are douchebags! Any respectable adult male understands this and stopped idolizing sports figures when they were 14 years old. Still that doesn’t mean we can’t create false pretenses to support who we support. Sports for the fan is an escape from the shitty job we blow off to read this shitty blog post.

Anyway, Cowherd won’t let it go and has to spend all his time rubbing in his viewpoint like he is the only one with the balls to say it. It’s so annoying. And no, I’m not exaggerating. He brings it up EVERY FUCKING DAY and then acts like he’s at odds with all his listeners. No, Colin, you are at odds with the losers sad enough that they call in and e-mail your radio show during normal business hours. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE SAVIOR FOR THE TALENTED PEOPLE OF THE WORLD. Also, he compares himself to artists, athletes, musicians, poets, whatever. He thinks he’s part of that creative class.

So hate Colin Cowherd because I’m sure he has another week ahead of him of not letting the LeBron thing die. And hate every other fucker who doesn’t realize it’s time to start talking football.

Dudes you should hate: whiny suck-ups, whiny soccer players, dudes who like whiny soccer players

Ken — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 13:00:50 +0000

Another shitty week is beginning and, if you’re to keep your sanity, you can’t regularly take out your frustrations on those close to you. Or your boss. Or you coworkers. Or your family. Here are some sports-related targets you have a legitimate reason to direct your hatred toward. They have been given arbitrary numbers like a countdown. Fuck these guys.

5. World Wide Wes

I’m really sick of hearing about this dude. Really sick.

With NBA free agency beginning this Thursday I keep hearing about this dude on ESPN Radio shows and shit. I usually pick up a few stories in my car going to/from work and driving to random locations for articles I’m writing. And somehow, despite “not giving interviews” this dude sure does talk to a lot of journalists quite often.

So this dude is a business man who sells mortgages to NBA players and is now a coaches’ agent for some big firm in LA or something. Oh, and he’s tight friends with a lot of very powerful players, especially LeBron James. Great. But everyone who talks about him says none of his player friends will discuss him “on the record” out of respect for his desire to stay behind the scenes! For fucking real?!? Schaap said Wes does not give interviews but told him that any team that is serious about signing LeBron needs to take Wes into consideration!

And all the stories buy this shit about staying behind the scenes! Yet he makes huge claims about his importance to journalists. So lame. This dude is obviously just building his hype and trying to create some stupid persona of this real sneaky behind-the-scenes dude. Like he’s fucking Keyser Soze!

The Schaap piece interviewed Dennis Rodman who described Wes hanging out with the baller ’90s Chicago Bulls team. Rodman’s whole tone seemed to imply this guy is just some whiny dude who wants to be big and important around big and important people. Rodman giggled about the dude and basically called him a little kiss-ass. And nobody can describe exactly what he does which has me convinced all this guy needs to validate his existence is the approval of famous people. I’m glad I will never be able to make friends through my aptitude for reasonable business advice.

Well, World Wide Wes may have kiss-assed his way into the hearts of several egotistic basketball players but I fucking hate this dude. (Until he sucks up to me enough that I buy a mortgage from him and ask him to car shop with me.)

4. ESPN’s Brett Favre coverage

Oh shit, it’s never really stopped and it’s only going to get worse as the league gets more active. I think the first step toward escalation was last week when they ran non-news blurbs from Favre’s interview with his local dipshit Mississippi paper. There was nothing new and the channel kept showing stupid pull-out quotes that didn’t say anything new.

What’s that? Favre is still undecided about returning! Oh, you guys!

Seriously, I don’t care if he comes back or not. I assume he will because you don’t get shoulder surgery to improve your lawn mowing performance. But I don’t care either way.

And, no, I’m not bitter because I’m a Packers fan and “He left us!” From the start I was glad the Packers booted his ass to try and keep Rodgers as a great long-term quarterback. Sorry, buddy. It’s a business, you’re old and overrated.

And that’s still true! With or without Favre last year the Vikings would have been pretty solid and yet were not going to win it all. The same goes for this year.

I hate Favre especially now because I had hoped I wouldn’t have to hear so much about his uncertainty when he wasn’t in Green Bay but that has proved totally incorrect. Years ago, I thought I only had to hear about it in Green Bay because I was local but this shit has gone national now and I can’t escape it. For that I blame ESPN. Fuckers.

If I had the money I would pay Visanthe Shiancoe to choke Favre to death with that huge hog of his so there would be only a couple more months of coverage of the old man. And that would be an awesome story to follow as all the details came out piecemeal.

“According to forensic reports, it turns out Favre’s internal organs had actually begun to digest the flesh of Shiancoe’s penis before he could pull all of it back out.”

3. Carlos Zambrano

I’ve always hated this guy. He has always acted like a fucking baby. It used to be great when he would get mad and melt completely the fuck down and then get even more angry. God, those were heavenly moments.

Now that he totally sucks, I’m just pleased as punch. And he still throws hissy fits, too! Oh, man. I love that not only is he overpaid, underskilled, and an asshole, but he is also completely clueless about where he stands on the totem pole.

Hey, buddy. Bullpen guys don’t get to show up their teammates.

Hating Big Z has never paid off better than it does right now. Get on the train and feel good about something.

2. Inkoom, or whatever the fuck that Ghana soccer player’s name is

I actually watched the USA-Ghana World Cup match and was certainly disappointed. However this dude’s flopping just seemed to cross some line. I can understand using tactics to milk the clock when you’re leading and shit but this was too far. I can also understand flopping, I mean Clint Dempsey spent more time on the ground than running, but this was bad. Nobody touched him.

He laid motionless for forever after trying some dumb-looking kick. The stretcher had to get him as the fans chanted, “bullshit” and as soon as the crew put the stretcher down on the ground out of play, literally the exact moment, this douchecanoe leapt right to his feet, as if the camera wasn’t still watching him. Fuck!

He still pretended his leg was hurt and then took 17 minutes (I counted. I was also drunk.) to cross the field (non-foreigners should never call it “the pitch”) to get subbed out. This was just bad form, gentlemen. Inkoom clearly has no shame so there is unfortunately no chance of him going home, realizing how he just ruined his honor, and committing harikari. Say what you want about how weird Japanese people are. At least they would have known how to atone for this.

1. Your soccer friend who keeps talking about the World Cup as if it’s still going on

You at least know one guy like this. The only guy you know who owns a soccer jersey.

He’ll keep talking about the sweet matchups and shit and name drop players with stupid foreign names. I was going to do my homework and look up a few of these names to illustrate my point but I just really don’t care enough and neither should you. Be sure to punch this guy in the dick the first time he asks you this week if you saw last night’s match or if you plan to watch tonight’s match. That should get your point across. The World Cup is now over.

This is America, pal. We don’t care if two nations are bombing the shit out of each other and raping each other’s women, as long as it doesn’t interfere with our economic interests. So why would we care if 11 guys each from two nations are kicking a ball around, unsuccessfully trying to score goals against each other for 90 minute stretches at a time?

Fuck that jazz. I can’t waste my time with that shit.

I mean, what if Favre decides that he might still return for this season? I don’t want to miss that.

The Imperfect Perfect Game

Chris — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 18:13:54 +0000

Last week, I saw the most improbable baseball game I could ever imagine. It started late Wednesday night, when my brother called me downstairs. He said, “Some guy from the Tigers has a perfect game through eight.”

Needless to say, I was pretty much shocked. The amount of perfect games I had seen this year alone doubled the number of perfect games I distinctly remember. A mere twenty days earlier, I declared that Dallas Braden would probably be the worst pitcher to ever throw a perfect game. Then, I turned my attention to the TV and watched Armando Galarraga (WHO?!?!) attempt to become the third pitcher in less than three weeks to not only accomplish the task, but steal Dallas Braden’s title.

Galarraga pitched and gave up a deep fly ball. I laughed and immediately thought that bid was over. Then I laughed even harder when Austin Jackson made one of the most spectacular catches I’d ever seen under the circumstances. This game was just insane.

I hadn’t watched a single inning before the ninth, and for whatever reason, I had no faith in Galarraga to pitch this game perfectly. Maybe it was because the commentators were saying things like, “This is Armando Galarraga’s first game past the seventh inning.” The guy just looked he was too small for the moment. But, dammit, I was rooting for him.

Out two was a breeze. One to go. Deep breath. Could this guy really do it? Could Armando Galarraga really do it?

Look, I’m not going to go into detail for what happened in that third out. We all know what took place. We know that Indians hitter Jason Donald was not safe; we know that he did not beat the throw; we know that Armando Galarraga should be in the book as a pitcher who somehow pulled off a perfect game.

But he isn’t. And he shouldn’t be.

Armando Galarraga’s story is an excellent case for implementing instant replay. Baseball is not a game that should solely be relied on the human eye. Let’s be honest—why should it be? I’m getting sick of hearing about the “integrity of the game” when it comes to baseball. Why is baseball any different than any other sport out there? Baseball gets the in-depth steroid cases, baseball gets no instant replay and baseball has all this “tradition.” Why? Why can’t football have “integrity?” Why does baseball get this weird treatment? Because it was at one time known as “America’s Past Time?” I don’t get it.

This is the exact reason why I hope they don’t give that kid a perfect game. I know he pitched it, Galarraga knows he pitched it, anyone who has seen the footage knows he pitched it. But the call says he didn’t. So he didn’t. If you reverse Galarraga’s perfect game call, then you have to reverse every call that was wrong that effected the outcome of an important game (as a Sabre’s fan, I’m thinking “The No Goal Game). If Galaraga’s perfect game counts, it’s more fuel in the “integrity of baseball” bullshit fire.

I feel bad for Galarraga, I really do. I feel bad for Jim Joyce and for the fans of the Detroit Tigers. But what happened, happened. And if baseball is going to be a sport that relies on human error—these are the things that are going to happen. How do you make it up to the victims of this game? Implement instant replay in baseball. It’s simple as that. It’s time. Baseball is evolving, it’s time to accept it.

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