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Austin Collie is going to die: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 20 Dec 2010 15:34:02 +0000

Austin Collie got his third concussion of the season Sunday. Once more he was lead by a perfectly-thrown Peyton Manning pass that perfectly led him into a skull-crushing hit from a Jaguars safety.

I remember when Carson Palmer predicted before the start of the season that somebody will die some day playing football. If that is going to come true, my guess is that somebody is going to be Austin Collie.

Three concussions this season. And he doesn’t seem to get the more mild-seeming concussions that used to be called “getting your bell rung.” No. His concussions have been the kind that have left him motionless on the field for minutes.

Austin Collie, if he does not retire, will die because the style of play he has to play leaves him vulnerable to the big blows from oversized, overly fast defenders. He’s not an outside edge of the field, high speed guy. He’s not the extremely tall, athletic feature receiver that mostly stays on the edge of the field. No. He succeeds at wide receiver only because he is willing to spend all his time running routes in the middle of the field. His tenacity and fearlessness are his best attributes. And it’s those same attributes that are going to kill him when combined with the fact that he’s got an apparently fragile dome.

Austin Collie either abandons the attributes that make him marketable as an NFL player, rendering him useless, or he retires or he dies.

He will die so that everyone will continue to think Manning is such a perfect quarterback. Really, Manning just doesn’t care if he leads his receivers directly devastating spinal and cranial injuries. Did you see Manning storm off the field after the latest pass that caused Collie to get clobbered? He looked less like he was angry at himself for causing Collie all sorts of future migraines, memory loss, dementia and more like he was angry at failing to convert a third down.

Fuck him.

Moving on to more important matters. I lost last week and missed the playoffs by a half game in my fantasy football league. The playoffs started this week and I had to sit back and watch as my players blew the fuck up. Ray Rice? A rushing and a receiving touchdown. Where the fuck did that vulture McGahee go this week? That guy’s a fucking taint rag. Rice was my keeper from last season and that fucked me hard. And Collie came back to bust out two TDs before Manning made another attempt at killing him. I hate fantasy football.

Also important: this. You’re welcome.

And, hey, how ’bout those bowl games this weekend, huh? Yeah, I didn’t watch them either.

3. UConn’s women’s basketball streak

The UConn women’s basketball team under Geno Auriemma has won 88 straight games, tying the men’s record set by John Wooden’s UCLA teams from back when your uncle was acquiring PTSD in Vietnam. UCLA teams made up of legends. Lew Alcindor was on some of those teams. So now the ESPN-led hype machine for the UConn women’s streak is in full force and based entirely on the idea of the watching in awe as the women’s streak surpasses the men’s streak. *dismissive wank*

This is not comparable to the UCLA men’s streak so stop comparing them. It has possibly one-fifth of the significance. No. Not that much.

It’s two entirely different sports and anyone who has actually watched women’s basketball knows that and will tell you that after they wake up from that nap.

I believe the big day is Tuesday when UConn takes on a bunch of ugly girls from who-gives-a-fuck. Seriously, just who gives a fuck? There’s no competition in NCAA women’s basketball, and even when there is, nobody gives a shit about a really boring game that looks a lot harder than it is. Fuck you, Geno Auriemma. It’s not sour grapes about girls breaking a boy’s streak. It’s about comparing apples to oranges, or legendary accomplishment with meh.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars

This could’ve been the year the Colts would have finally missed the playoffs, destroying their fat, spoiled, Manning-apologist fans. The Jags just had to beat them Sunday. I know, too good to be true, right? I mean, fetushead misses the playoffs and Indiana residents have to go back to fucking their pets while they blame the offensive line for ruining their hopes and dreams.

Nope. Instead the Colts win the game, control their own destiny, and will likely host a playoff game in which they’ll shit the bed.

But then what did you expect from a team with David Garrard at quarterback.

1. Post-Christmas depression

I hate the day after Christmas. All month long I genuinely enjoy the Christmas spirit as well as the anticipation of the good feelings and the giving and receiving of gifts that accompanies drinking on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

But then it’s all over. The day after I’ll have to pack all my shit up and make the long drive from my parents comfortable house all the way back to my shitty apartment in a shitty town. And suddenly the early sunset will not mean I can turn on the Christmas tree lights earlier. No, it just be depressing and dark, though I’ll still keep the tree up and lit for at least another week.

At least this year, we have a full day of NFL games to soften the blow. Hey, even the Packers still have a playoff shot. Merry Christmas to me.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and one in the tush: The dudes you should hate

Ken — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 22:35:18 +0000

There is an insurance commercial out there right now — I think it’s for Geico — that parodies that Antiques Roadshow program where some old dude appraises some woman’s “bird in the hand” and tells her it’s worth at least two in the bush, playing off the old adage “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” My girlfriend started flipping out over this commercial this weekend because she had never heard that adage (what?) and thought this commercial was joking about a saying with which she was much more familiar, “Two in the bush, one in the tush.”

She wouldn’t even believe me when I told her that the other saying existed.

This is the girl I love. She is a gem.

In other news, I’m sorry I missed you last week. Apparently, all Comcast internet went down late Sunday evening last week and so my column was only started and never finished. I can tell you that the list would have included the news I expected to continue dribbling all week from baseball’s winter meetings of mediocre players getting sick deals a la Jayson Werth. Did that even come to pass? Did a bunch of other shitty players get super-paid? I gotta admit the Werth deal pissed me off so much I purposely blocked all other baseball news so I don’t know about any other player movements. God, I fucking hate baseball for the 51 weeks of the year when the World Series isn’t being played. How the fuck could women’s beach volleyball go bankrupt while this abortion of a pasttime is as healthy as a horse? You gotta figure they both cater to the same geeky, male mouthbreathers. Don’t the same people who comb through statisitics on the internet also spend some time jacking it to depictions of sexy women? I do!

/sigh

It’s a cruel world.

Anyway, that was as far as I’d gotten when my internet fucked out on me last week. Fuck Comcast.

3. Favre’s streak

I really hope Favre’s streak of 297 consecutive regular season starts ends Monday. Not because I hate him but just because I’m tired of sports news outlets pushing this number as an actually relevant story. Who cares if the streak reaches 300? Why is that so much better than 297? Just because it’s round? I don’t even know why I refer to this as “Favre’s Streak” anymore. At this point it is so prevalent you can call it simply “The Streak” and everybody knows what you’re talking about.

And we’re only talking regular season starts. His streak of consecutive starts minus the regular season qualifier stands beyond 300 so who gives a fuck? I’ve heard analysts say — I won’t name names, mostly because I never pay that much attention — that this streak is the definitive statistic of Favre’s career. Basically they have been trying to validate their obsession with the streak by saying it is the ultimate manifestation of the toughness which history will equate with Brett Favre the Quarterback. But, I really don’t think Favre’s legacy of endurance will be ruined if he doesn’t hit 300 games. 297 is a fuck of a lot so let’s let it rest. Favre’s enduring legacy has already been set as an iron man, a gunslinger, a Wrangler’s Jeans wearer, and the most famous endorser of the “cock ‘n croc” dong shot.

So please, God, please end ”Will this latest injury threaten Favre’s streak?” as a storyline for the media. After all, the world needs some reason to remember the number 297. The number 300 is plenty popular enough. The whole sport of bowling is already obsessed with it.

And please brace yourselves if “The Streak” does end. We’ll have to endure a Favre frenzy immediately following the game, but the media should stop pretending it matters after that and we’ll all be better off. So maybe just concentrate on basketball come Tuesday before countinuing to ignore the NBA season until June.

2. Craig James

The ESPN analyst and former college football star has helped ruin two college football programs. James first struck me as a terrible doucher football dad when he got too involved in the whole “Mike Leach is mistreating my son” crusade last year that resulted in Leach’s firing as Texas Tech’s coach, despite being the only successful coach the school ever had. It always seemed to me more like James and his son were just pissed Leach wasn’t giving Adam James more playing time. But, hey, Adam James sucked.

Well, Craig James basically came out of that unscathed. But now I’ve learned more about his shitty past that he seems to want to whitewash thanks to ESPN’s 30 for 3o documentary “Pony Excess.” James was indeed quite entangled in the scandal that led to Southern Methodist University’s football program getting the “death penalty” from the NCAA in 1987.

Really, I just think James pissed me off an awful lot by using his media job to crucify the coach who wouldn’t give his shitty son playing time because the kid was a shitty football player. That’s a pretty big conflict of interest and breach of journalist ethics. And as it turns out the dude has always been kind of a prick. Huh.

1. No meaningful college football games

Hey, there’s no playoff system yet and there likely never will be. And that is never more apparent than during the few weeks we have to sit through weekends without games or, at least, without any good games until the New Year’s bowls provide the perfect hangover cure.

Until then, bowl games sponsored by websites and county credit unions? Sweet!

Look, I’m not saying I necessarily endorse a playoff system in college football. I don’t know that I’m fully sold on it, yet. I’m just saying it’s really easy to convince me of the merits of a playoff system during this time of the year.

Sports Pet Peeves

Kyle — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 19:55:31 +0000

This will be my first shot at writing a legitimate sports blog. So we’ll see how this goes. Make sure to hit me up on twitter @madsports8.

As I sat on my couch deciding what I was going to blog about, I realized that a lot of stuff on ESPN and on the broadcasts of games and discussions with friends that really annoyed me. Negativity and pessimism is a bit of a motif for me, so I decided to run with that. These are some of my biggest sports pet peeves.

1- Haters without a reason

This is just a theme in life, but it comes up CONSTANTLY in sports. When someone does something to piss of the public, it immediately becomes the cliché thing to do to hate that person. Or when a team wins a lot, it becomes immediately cliché to hate that team. Now it’s fine to have your athletes and teams you dislike…but please have a reason. Nothing is worse than a person ranting about how much they hate someone, then they have absolutely no reason why.

For example: the Lakers during the NBA Finals. Unless you’re a Laker fan, you hate the Lakers. I have yet to meet a basketball fan that is indifferent towards the Lake Show. But out of the woodworks during the finals there are Facebook posts and tweets abound cursing the Lakers, and insulting Sasha Vujacic’s stupid hair. But nobody really knows why they hate them. And the worst part is that these haters come out just for the playoffs…yes, haters have a bandwagon too (we’ll get to bandwagons later).

My point is though, that in general people that don’t know what they’re talking about will go to the cliché thing to say regarding that subject. We’re all guilty of it. When my friends ask me about NASCAR…Jimmie Johnson is good and Juan Pablo Montoya can’t close a race and Danica Patrick isn’t very good. Those are the cliché things I know about NASCAR. It’s the all out hatred that people have that seems to be out of nowhere and for no reason. So haters, educate yourselves on why you hate someone or something, and the sporting world will be a better place.

2- Comparing both past and current athletes

This one really has to stop because it’s getting really old and gets absolutely NOWHERE when being argued. The obvious one is Kobe vs. Lebron. The constant need of sports fans to compare players has gone from a fun activity to almost like a political campaign. These arguments have gone from, “Kobe is great at this while Lebron is great at this,” to “Kobe sucks. No, Lebron sucks. Rings, traitor, MJ blah blah blah.” It’s getting extremely old. Just to break it down, it’s apples to oranges. Kobe Bryant is a 6’6” 2 guard who has had to work to dominate. Lebron is a 6’9” 270 pound small forward who has been enormous and just dominated his whole life. Different styles, different positions, different teams, you can’t compare them.

It comes with football too. Peyton Manning will never be Joe Montana. Nobody will. Because Montana was the first to do what he did. Nobody will ever be Michael Jordan because MJ was the first to dominate when the NBA was blossoming in the 90’s. In baseball nobody will ever be Nolan Ryan or Ted Williams. They had pre-steroid, record shattering careers that even if matched statistically, will never be surpassed in greatness. The reason comparing all these athletes to each other is so damaging and annoying is because it never gets anywhere productive. People are going to have their thoughts on players, the guy that they worship and nothing is going to change that. Sports are like a religion to people. That sounds crazy but it really is. You go to church every Sunday and sit and watch, in sports you sit on your couch and watch the game. You worship whatever deity you worship in church. In sports you have your favorite players that you worship as well. So trying to change someone’s opinion about a favorite player or idol is like going into a church and change everyone’s mind. You can’t, so shut up and let players be great without having to live up to a certain expectation.

3- People that HATE hockey

Seriously with this though. What the hell. I guess this goes back to the fact hockey isn’t a wildly popular US sport, so not as many people follow or understand it, and therefore don’t like it. But I have friends that legitimately HATE hockey, and I can not for the life of me figure out why.

First off, playoff hockey is the most INTENSE playoff sport to watch. It’s like basketball style series’ and the high impact of football rolled into one. Only hockey playoffs go faster than basketball because they play EVERY OTHER DAY, and the high octane speed and hits keep coming, unlike in football where incomplete passes and runs into the line slow the game down quite a bit. Plus, hockey players are just all a little insane, so every single game every player on the ice is going all out because if you don’t, you may be leaving the ice on a stretcher.

Secondly, a hockey goal is the most exciting form of scoring in sports. Even more exciting than all the scoring Tiger has done over the years. (Golf joke in a hockey piece…ALMOST impossible). But seriously, a goal in hockey is the most exciting way to put points or runs or goals on the board out of all the sports. Look, football you can see the pass go up and see the receiver is breaking free 98% of the time, and therefore the excitement is drawn out. Baseball, you see the home run flying through the air or the line drive that’s going to get down to score the winning run. In basketball the only thing comparable is a last second game winning shot and even then, depending on where you’re at you can see where that shot is going to go. But hockey, hockey is a whole different animal. It’s setting up the offense, pass, pass, shot!…anticipation floods the body ready to explode in a matter of hundredths of a second…GOAL!!! And the place goes crazy. It’s constant edge of your seat nail biting stuff. And unlike soccer, a team can score 3 of those goals in just seconds. A 2-0 deficit with a minute to play in hockey isn’t insurmountable.

So I really don’t understand how one can dislike the game of hockey if they like all the other major sports because hockey really is the best part of every sport all mashed into one. And you can’t even complain about low scoring games because if it is a 1-0 or 1-1 game chances are there is some phenomenal goal keeping to watch, as well as constant chances for that tie or 1-0 deficit to be changed. So if you have not yet given hockey a chance. Do it. You won’t regret it.

4- The ridiculous amount of love the NBA gets

Professional basketball is getting downright boring to watch. Yeah, I said it. Not to say I don’t watch or that I don’t enjoy the sport, but it’s getting to the point where every game turns into a bore fest for a multitude of reasons.

First reason the NBA is boring is because players are getting less and less college experience, which leads to lower quality NBA players. I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Same player, one year under coach K or four years under coach K, which one do you want? I’ll take the 4 year guy. Now I know that with AAU ball being so quality that it somewhat makes up for lost years in college, but it’s just an entirely different thing. Playing in the NCAA tournament is such a valuable experience for a player (shout out to Stephen Curry) and to not have that experience at all or have limited time in it is not beneficial for players and therefore, not beneficial to the league being fun to watch.

Another reason the NBA is a bore fest is the refs. It’s getting to a point where it’s almost impossible to watch. Every time a guy drives the lane it seems like there’s a foul. And I know we all know this, but then it gets worse when Glen Davis actually puts a legit block on Pau Gasol and it gets called a foul. Meanwhile on the other end Kobe drives, gets mauled by Tony Allen because he can’t keep up and refs let the game go on. It’s ridiculous. Basketball seems to be the only sport where this happens too. I know umps in baseball may have a bad strike zone or make a bad call at first to say, oh I dunno, blow a perfect game. But it’s not constant game in and game out and making baseball less exciting to watch. In football, yeah there may be a phantom interference call here and there or a bad roughing the passer call, but for the most part the players 100% decide the outcome. Hockey, again, has it down because it’s clear-cut what a penalty is and isn’t and it’s rare that you see a blatant bad call.

Just based on those couple of things and what I’ve said about hockey I really don’t get why there’s no love for the NHL but so much for the NBA. The NBA is turning into a joke, while the NHL keeps bringing the excitement year in and year out.

5- Tim Tebow.

That is all.

Ok, quick pause. I began this in July, and haven’t ever gotten around to finishing it. So this last piece is current, the rest of it is from awhile ago. But I feel this next thing is extremely relevant to the time.

6- Bandwagon fans.

This strikes a nerve with a lot of people. A friend of mine argues that bandwagon fans are good for a sport because it brings it people that normally don’t watch, and makes them fans, and they raise kids to become fans and so and so forth. I take a different look at it, in saying that bandwagon fans breed bandwagon fans. During this current World Series, living in Northern California, there are Giants fans popping up left and right. Under my friends argument, these people just tuning in for the World Series run will now love baseball forever. FALSE. They will not. They love the idea of being part of a winning team and being able to celebrate with friends and what not, which is great, have fun. When it comes to next April, however, and those same people find out there is, at a minimum 1,458 innings of baseball to play…they’re going to get bored and not pay attention until the Giants start winning. Almost guaranteed they’ll raise kids to be the same way.

This type of fandom breeds ignorance, and drives many real fans away. It is currently the trendy hipster thing to do to wear a Giants hat. Real Giants fans, is that cool? You’ve dealt with the torture all year. You’ve ripped out more hair than Brian Wilson’s beard could ever dream of. You questioned what was wrong with Tim Lincecum. You cursed out Aaron Rowand as he GIDP on the first pitch of an AB. Why should these people get to jump in now? Just in time to cozy up to a couple of lopsided World Series victories. That’s just not fair.

Its as if you had a class, where you did all the work. Homework, essays, working tirelessly through all nighters to pull out an A. You feel accomplished and you know you worked hard to get that grade. 10 people walk in on the last day of class, haven’t been to class once, say they’re enrolled, they all get that exact same A. That sure isn’t fair.

And the worst part about bandwagon fans is the refusal to admit it. I’m all about using “we” and “us” when describing your favorite teams. This is an entirely different issue, but I do it. I figure I pay money and invest my time and energy and emotions in this team, I’ll call it a “we.” But fans that all of a sudden notice the Giants are 2 wins from a World Series title and start saying “We are rocking tonight! Rowand making me proud.” That’s horrible. Its annoying. Its wrong. These people don’t give a s**t about the Giants. They want to be a part of something popular. Thats all that is. (yeah…take a sec to digest that one SF Fans, 2 wins from being World Champions).

I only pick out Giants fans because its relevant to right now and I have examples fresh in my mind. But Yankees, Lakers, Celtics, Cowboys (all of Lebron’s favorite teams…weird) all have bandwagon fans all the time. Its annoying, and its a big part of why these teams that always win get so much hatred spewed towards them. Its not a disrespect towards the product on the field or the court, its a product of 70% of the people walking around in a Yankee jersey having no idea who Francisco Cervelli is, but are still willing to rub it in your face that the Yankees have 27 championships. (In fact, next time a Yankee fan says that to you, ask them when the first one is…almost guaranteed they don’t know).

So those are some of my sports pet peeves. I’m sure I’ll think of more and blog about them. So this was my first blog. I love feedback, positive or negative, so let me know. I’m new to this so everything helps. Thanks for reading y’all. Stay tuned for more, and check out my twitter @madsports8 as well.

“I demand this man be sodomized!”: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 17:06:01 +0000

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those degrading moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter or catch him at 1yellerjournalist.com.

Hey, for the past two weeks I’ve bitched about the MLB awards taking forever to be awarded and look: The awards process IS STILL NOT DONE. Not, kidding. The two league MVP awards will be awarded this week which reminds me of this amazing question I heard once about a tree falling in the forest with nobody around to give a shit anymore.

Also, kudos to NASCAR for having a close championship race that came down to the final race of the season. For once the Chase was almost interesting. While I’d never actually waste my time to watch a race without the aid of some strange narcotics, I was interested enough to make a cursory check of the standings updates every week, including Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, Jimmie Johnson won again, which is really boring.

But I’ve gotta believe that having this slick California guy win every year really irks all the dipshit southern NASCAR fans who don’t realize all the drivers are the same generic salesman. Double kudos to the top three drivers for sort of talking shit about each other and trying to get under each others’ skin for the last few weeks. Good to see these guys actually care about winning races, even if it is just to lure more sponsors into giving them money.

3. Vince Young

So Vince Young, of the fragile psyche, got pulled from the Titans’ game against the Washington Redskins Sunday after hurting his finger and playing like shit. And then he apparently stripped a large portion of his uniform off after the game ended, changed quickly and stormed off the premises without talking to the media.

According to Titans coach Jeff Fischer, who I can never tell if he is a huge jerk-off or just a disciplined hard-ass, Young never even lobbied his coach to get back in the game, claiming his thumb was fine as I assume most good quarterbacks would do. Instead, he threw a hissy fit after the game was over and Fischer has stripped him of the starter role.

And fantasy players like me hoping for Young to live up to his potential again realize Young can fuck you over several times per year and cock tease fans more efficiently than a gif of Sofia Vergara in a tight dress. HOW DO THOSE BOOBS NOT FALL OUT?

Anyway, this guy is a huge baby and refuses to work hard for the large amount of money he makes. I hate him. All the shit I go through at my job and all the effort I put in and I’ll never make nearly as much money as this whiny punk does. Jeebus, how could anybody with that much athletic talent not keep their job as a starter? Maybe that Wunderlich test is more relevant than people give it credit for.

Thank God for those Vergara gifs or I’d totally lose my shit right now.

2. Harvey Perlman

This week in university chancellors who kick their head football coach when he’s down because the thing about him that brings success to the school’s football program looks a little too real for him on television: Nebraska’s Chancellor, Harvey Perlman is going to call Coach Bo Pelini into his office to ask him to behave with the gentlemanly decorum that people have come to expect from the University of fucking Nebraska.

I honestly don’t understand what the dude’s problem is. Yeah, Pelini looked a little spastic during that game against Texas A&M but his team was getting called for penalties at the rate of about 37 per minute*. And he’s an intense dude to begin with, which is probably an attribute that attracts a lot of recruits who want to play for a badass coach that wins.

So, just because your team lost doesn’t mean you can take the opportunity to pile shit on your coach. I hope Pelini savagely beats and rapes your ass for trying to call him out in public, Perlman. I can only imagine he will have to garner all of his self control to prevent himself from completely ravaging your prissy, soft, jasmine-scented little brown hole.

Fuck you. Hard.

Beeteedubs, the Wisconsin Badgers are the true Big Red. Fact.

1. Derek Jeter

Jesus Christ, Derek Jeter. You’re not good anymore so the Yankees are offering, like $15 million a year for three years, to your 36-year-old fading talents solely because they are trying to be nice and avoid the negative publicity of losing you.

But avoiding that negative publicity is only worth so much before they’ll just bite the bullet and let your ass go. The fans will get over it when the club whens another World Series in a year or two without you.

So don’t whine about what your being offered and how it is not equal to what you’ve meant to the club over the years. You’ve already been paid handsomely for that.

You’re old. You’re declining in skills. Your defensive skills have been highly overrated your whole career to begin with. The Yankees are offering to overpay you for three years and no more. Good luck trying to get some other team to offer more money for more years to a guy who means nothing to their fanbase and who kinda sucks now.

Just milk the Steinbrenners’ tits for all they will allow and move on to a life of an uber-rich 40-year-old with no professional obligations, you lucky bastard. Stop trying to play for public sympathy because it pisses me off. There is no reason anybody should feel sorry for you. You practically swim in A-plus grade snatch, after all.

Plus, there was way too much speculation in the zillion months leading up to the end of the season about what the Yankees would do about the aging face of their franchise. And you better believe their will be a lot more updates about this situation as both sides keep lobbing underhanded insults and pointing the finger at each other through the media.

Finally, I am a firm believer that any dipshit Yankees fan who says The Captain should be paid whatever he wants should be called into Bo Pelini’s office for a very rough sodomization.

Does a Vikings win help or hurt the team’s fans?: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 16:33:39 +0000

Hey, have I missed the announcement of the MLB MVPs and Cy Young winners or has that shit actually not been announced yet? If so it’s just proof that Major League Baseball cannot do anything in a way that doesn’t piss me off.

The fucking season lasted 8 fucking years and they haven’t decided on the best players yet? Goddamn, I just want to move on and actually have long stopped truly caring. Stopped caring enough that I’m not even gonna Google this to find a quick answer. This is why nobody can ever remember who wins this shit because MLB misses its window of relevance every year.

Anyway, sorry to leave you hanging but last weekend was my two year anniversary and I spent the whole weekend with my lady ignoring sports. And I was having such a good time the only thing I hated last weekend was that it had to end. Seriously, Brett Favre could have raped and murdered Aaron Rodgers and I still wouldn’t have been that mad about it.

On another random note, watching my beloved Green Bay Packers rape the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday night actually made me feel pretty dirty. Like seeing a sixth grader beat up a kindergartner. Just sad and wrong.

3. Charlie Villanueva

By now you’ve heard the story: Kevin Garnett told Charlie Villanueva he looks like a cancer patient during a game between the Boston Celtics and the Detroit Pistons. And then Villanueva went out and tweeted this.

Yikes! *exaggeratedly pulls on collar*

He went to get support from fans for that shit? He didn’t throw a hard elbow while Garnett went for a rebound or violently hip-checked him while jostling for position?

Listen, man: The arena of athletic competition is the last place where it is encouraged to fight violence and cruelty with more violence and cruelty. Don’t be a sissy about it. At least come back with a nice zinger about the taste of Garnett’s mom’s vajayjay or tell him he runs like a fag or something.

You have a job where this shit is acceptable, man! Do you have any idea how many people would love to be able to shit-talk their coworkers or throw a hard elbow into them when jostling for position at the coffee machine without getting fired or sued? Is Twitter just gonna be a place for athletes to tattle on each other? Actually that might be kind of fun to follow.

Also, I’m not going to accept any argument that maybe Villanueva is above such low behavior, Tony Dungy.

I don’t think Villanueva is angry because of Garnett’s flippant attitude toward cancer so let’s all drop the stupid outrage. Instead I think he’s pissed because the insult hit a little too close to home for him. What I mean is I don’t think this is the first time Villanueva has been hit with this specific taunt in his life and I think it sticks in his craw more than any other cruelty leveled toward him. But, hey, if I had to take some pretty personal emotional abuse in order to make the kind of bank Villanueva makes, and had the option to return fire, then I’d do it in a heart beat. Money makes a lot of pain go away.

So get over it and enjoy cashing those checks, Smooth.

(I’m not even going to get into Garnett’s stupid excuse other than to point out the great Twitter trend it sparked, politically correct trashtalk.)

2. Bitter Cleveland Cavaliers fans

In case you haven’t seen it, some Cavs fans made a response video to LeBron James latest Nike commercial. I’m sure this gave Bareknucks Editor Bob a throbbing self-righteous hard-on, but I’ve gotta say: Get the fuck over it.

It’s your own fault. “We want you to be who you said you were.” Jesus, he was marketing himself. He’s a professional athlete with an earning potential he wanted to increase. Playing the hometown hero was the easiest, most obvious way to do that at one time. But who the fuck wouldn’t have left? Yeah, he did it in a shitty manner and he is undoubtedly a selfish prick, but he was always that. You fucks were just too pathetic to realize it.

And, I’ve got to be honest, it’s been long enough and my sympathy for you has long run out so move on.

Shit, I’ve got real problems to worry about. My dreaded weekly Monday staff meeting approaches. My student loans are coming due. I’m unsure how to convince my girlfriend to do anal and am not sure if I’ll even like it. Sheesh. Problems, man. Problems.

Plus the jilted girlfriend story is old. Now I’m more interested in the story line of the Miami Heat’s season. How good will they truly be when they get some time together and start to gel? Will they be so dominant as to get in the all-time great conversation? Will their lack of a truly dominant big-man hamper them from a championship?

Yeah, it’s actually interesting, unlike your insistent blubbering, Cavs fans. The pity party’s over. Man up. There will be a lot more LeBron James commercials and I don’t want to be reminded about your hurt feelings every time that happens. You’re not the first fanbase who lost a beloved sports icon. Speaking of…

1. Brett Favre

Damn, damn, damn!

I should have known Favre would ruin my week spent soaking in ever increasing Minnesota Vikings schadenfreude. In case you were too busy researching anal sex situations gone wrong (so fake but so funny in it’s attempt to recreate reality) to catch any football Sunday, Old Balls led his team back from 14 points down in the 4th quarter in Minneapolis to beat the Arizona Cardinals in overtime.

Basically, he just saved Brad Childress’ job. After the Moss fiasco, and Chilly’s allegedly super-heated argument with Percy Harvin Friday, reports were that Vikings owner Zyggle Wharf (close enough) was seriously considering giving Chilly the axe. Yup, the team was ready for disaster to explode all over their faces in a warm, salty goo of lusty horror. And then the team was about to lose a home game that would likely leave them out of playoff contention.

A mid-season coaching change seemed inevitable, and that kind of shit in the NFL basically means the team is scrapping the rest of the season and I could have enjoyed the Vikings fans dejected feelings for an extended period of time.

Oh, well. Just delaying the inevitable and prolonging the pain for fans of the Minnesota Vikings, which is actually pretty awesome as far as I’m concerned. But still, that would have made my week to start it with the news that Childress was fired and the Vikings were just treading water the rest of the year until they could try to get a better coach.

Chilly just might have steered his ship right back toward destruction, however, with his post game press conference which he used as an opportunity to take potshots at the same aging drama queen quarterback on whom he bet all his chips and who saved his ass Sunday. Man, you give that man a shovel and nobody could dig a deeper hole with such unshakeable zest.

The official point in the season it’s safe to give up on your fantasy football team: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 16:28:35 +0000

People should be excited about the World Series that starts this week. I know a lot of people will be talking about how this year’s series will suffer in the TV ratings because neither of the larger market teams will be playing, but this one is so much more fun. Like ugly people who have to develop character in order to be found tolerable, small market teams have to develop unique identities to find a way to win like the Rangers and Giants have done so far this year. The teams are actually fun to watch and easy to root for — something that is rare in baseball.

Granted, there is no “David vs. Goliath” aspect to this series as both teams are Davids. However, these rosters are full of great stories and hilarious stories and a still running story of possible all-time great playoff pitching dominance with Cliff Lee. He alone is worth watching .Even the people in the Yankees organization are excited about it, ready to utilize an opportunity to scout their number 2 starter next year.

And the Rangers are looking for their first ever World Series win while the Giants are looking for their first title since they moved to San Francisco.

On another note, I love how the college football’s number ones keep falling and Boise State still can’t crack the top two in the BCS. Haha, Broncos! Play somebody.

3. Brett Favre

When I first laid down what can only loosely be referred to as an outline for this column last night, it was before the end of the Sunday night game between the Packers and Vikings. And so I listed Brett Favre because of his stupid denial of sending shots of his dong to Jenn Sterger. Now he admitted to the voicemails but denied the photos. Not surprising. He must be dumb enough to assume nobody could get the evidence to trace that dick to him. Deadspin points out, though, the messages and photos came from the same phone number.

Yeah, it’s easy for people to dismiss a claim by Deadspin but don’t think Jenn Sterger does not still have the photos which, as anyone with a cell phone can verify, will show the number from whence they were sent. Maybe Favre’s explanation will be suitable for Goodell and his NFL cronies but if Sterger is serious about getting her money, her lawyers will have no trouble proving to the proper authorities that Favre sent that shit. Better get your hush money ready, Old Balls.

And then there was Favre’s limp. I can’t tell you how many people were blowing up Twitter enjoying Favre’s selective limp. The guy just loves to show how he’s gutting out the pain that would crush a lesser quarterback. Man, can you imagine how mistake-free he would be if he were healthy? Oh, you guys didn’t know? Yeah, his ankle hurts. That’s why he threw those three picks. You know what? Here’s an ultimate hate-filled rant I think we can all appreciate. It’s pretty epic. A Vikings fan responding emotionally to last night’s effort.

2. Terrelle Pryor

Terrelle Pryor can suck it and here’s why.

So the Badgers weren’t better than you, eh? Well, I’m sure you’re probably right about that so I should just take your word for it, but just in case if you’ll just allow me to check the scoreboard… 31-18! What?

Oh that’s right. The nation’s most overhyped quarterback is also now the king of sour grapes. Guess what, Terrelle? Your name doesn’t need a third ‘e’ and the Badgers played better than your team a week ago. So if a team plays better than you, then I’d argue that they were better than you. Outside of playing, what else is a team supposed to do? Maybe the Buckeyes are better dancers or better tippers.

Have fun being a back-up tight end in the NFL, buddy.

1. Ray Rice and others like him

No, not Rutgers alumni. I mean all backs who were supposed to be featured backs who haven’t done shit. I’m in a league that allows you to keep one player each season and Rice was my keeper. He scored 4 fucking points this week.

It’s now at the point in the season where you cannot say, “It’s early yet, this situation will right itself.” It won’t. The few touchdowns the Ravens get on the ground they give to McGahee. Their passing touchdowns go to Boldin. Rice scored more than 10 points only once and that was in Week 6 and I thought he might have caught his stride. Nope. Right back to what apparently passes as a typical week for him.

Fuck you McGahee.

And guess what. Thomas Jones will continue to fuck over Jamaal Charles. And Ryan Mathews was officially over-hyped in the preseason.

God, I hate fantasy football.

Are sluts more compelling than cancer kids?: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:29:56 +0000

I am growing really tired of football pregame cancer stories. I had to watch two such puff pieces this weekend — on Saturday and Sunday. Jesus, these networks just never run out of this stuff, pumping football like it actually cures cancer. News flash, it doesn’t. Sports is relatively inconsequential when compared to things like cancer. That’s why it is such a great outlet for black rage.

Now, I am as susceptible as anybody to having my heartstrings pulled and I do think it’s great that athletes give up their time to someone who really needs a morale boost because of a tough fight with cancer. But these networks don’t have to keep covering this crap! Isn’t the point of charity to do something good without needing to be recognized for it? Well, except for that famewhoring Mother Theresa. Sheesh, get a daytime talk show already! Amirite?

/Googles Mother Theresa

//realizes she’s long dead

///shrugs

Anyway, I think this shows how powerful the NFL is, and NCAA football, too. These networks don’t want to piss them off and risk losing certain programming rights or something. So they only go into soft issues that highlight the greatness of the players and displays a healthy relationship between fans and the game.

This is also bullshit.

These pieces just assert the romantic notion of the bigger-than-life athletes and their benevolent power over an innocent fandom who just melt in the face of heroes. That’s great because it does exist to some extent, but it never goes in-depth into the negative effects sports can have. There’s no profile of a family torn apart after some guy beats his wife to a pulp because his team lost a big game to a hated rival. Think that shit doesn’t exist?

Man, that would be great if pregame coverage actually had balls. Plus it could publicly shame assholes like that on a far greater scale than they typically are.

Or maybe I’ll just watch fucking Lifetime if I want to feel the warmth of tender emotions and listen to soft piano music.

Hey, how about a profile of some chick who has blown the entire offensive line of the St. Louis Rams or something like that? That sounds like fun and would give hope to all nameless sluts that they can get on TV, too. Man, I love sluts.

Also, did anyone else notice the blogroll bar at the top of ProFootballTalk has disappeared so you can no longer easily switch to other NBC Sports blogs? This just seems to me like some small petty move that little Mike Florio dreamed up for really no positive reason. I have no proof this is his doing, but it would be impossible to convince me otherwise.

3. Anybody seriously discussing the issues raised by Brett Favre’s dick

If anybody brings this up in any context other than that of a joke, dick slap them. If you’re a lady: call me scratch that person’s eyes out. From the account of the situation from AJ Daulerio of Deadspin, who broke the story, Jenn Sterger was using Favre’s penis photo as a party favor. She was not traumatized.

Who would be? It was pathetically funny.

And let’s keep it that way. And anybody who thinks this crossed the line because Favre is a great family man who didn’t deserve this can receive a text photo of my dick, as well. He did it. He’s an asshole with no game. Exposing him as such is not a crime. It’s hilarious.

2. Gilbert Arenas

This guy cannot recognize a dwindling number of chances. He’s probably the most clueless human being ever. And he’s filthy rich. Remember that while you’re trying to unjam the copier. This guy gets to just be useless and make huge bucks. Fuck him.

I thought the Washington Wizards had a chance to be decent this year. John Wall is the bomb and I expected Arenas to show up having something to prove to everybody, like any other person with a shred of dignity would do if they were talented.

Nope.

Arenas faked an injury to sit out a preseason game and then blamed the media for blowing everything he does out of proportion. Yep, Gil, it’s the media’s fault. Nailed it. Sure he skipped the game to give a younger guy a chance at playing time and that would be cool for anybody else. But when you’re coming back from a 50 game suspension for bringing guns into the locker room and joking about it, and you’ve had a history of missing a lot of time because of bad knees, you should probably just shut the fuck up, suit up, keep your head down and play. You stupid fuck.

1. The Bowl Championship Series

The reasons to hate the BCS are clear and yet unexplainable. This is because everybody has their own personal reason to hate this system and the whole bowl system in general. Somehow, the BCS pisses off everyone and there is no possible way that it could make everyone happy ever on any year. Ever.

But for people who like the pot to be stirred — like me — there is a small piece of my heart that likes it because it sparks so much passion and debate. Then again, most people’s homer debate points tend to annoy me. It’s a double-edged sword, I guess. But while you’re struggling through the slow work week, you can direct your hatred toward that stupid computer and its retarded nerd math equation. Nerds should not control college football! GAH!

And why the fuck is Oklahoma at the top of the rankings? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

Favre’s Got His “Hands Full”

Matt — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 03:24:08 +0000

Brett Favre is in hot water.

Nobody believed Deadspin.com when they posted a pseudo-rumor a little while back about Brett Favre “sexting” Jenn Sterger, an ex-employee of the New York Jets, in 2008. A lot of people laughed it off. They thought it was just bullshit that Deadspin posted to get attention. AJ Daulerio caught a lot of heat for it.

Well, now Deadspin has Brett Favre’s voicemails to Jenn Sterger, MySpace messages, and pictures of what may or may not be Favre’s private parts.

There’s a lot of concrete evidence here. The voicemails definitely sound like him, and Daulerio says that the area code is traced to Mississippi.

After all of this was revealed, every major media outlet reported the story. Even ESPN. They were hesitant to talk about this, but they finally cracked.

The NFL is apparently investigating this thoroughly, and will meet with Jenn Sterger. Basically, if she tells them that Favre harassed her, Roger Goodell and the brass will be meeting with Favre, and probably punish him. Suspension looming for Favre???? 4 games? 6? Roethlisberger-esque?

Look, it doesn’t matter if you’re a rookie or a legendary quarterback: sexually harassing an employee of an NFL team is violating the personal conduct policy.

Two things, aside from the obvious, are completely hilarious about this situation. Favre and Vikings play the Jets tomorrow. Extremely ironic. Also, when pressed about the rumors, Favre said, “I’m not getting into that … I’ve got my hands full with the Jets.” Hands full, Brett? I bet you do.

Not only THIS, but Deadspin is also reporting that Favre sent lewd texts to two Jets team massage therapists in 2008.

I never thought I could hate Brett Favre more than I did a few months ago. Well, I was wrong.

I bet Chuck Cecil is a passionate, violent lover: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 18:07:10 +0000

This week we congratulate Major League Baseball on its return to relevance, at least for a short while. Yes, baseball, we are all proud of you. You’ve made it through several boring months of overinflated importance because you had no competition for the attention of sports fans. Now, after taking a back seat to football and exhaustive Lebron James talk for a while, you finally will provide us with something watchable. Something with tension and passion.

It’s about fucking time. You now get a month when the best thing I can say about you is not just that you’re a good sport to take a nap to.

4. Lebron James

Hey, kiddies! Did you know that you don’t hate LeBron because he’s a clueless dipshit who is terrible at public relations and is also near-maniacally full of himself? Nope. You hate him because you’re fucking racists. At least that’s what LeBron and the aptly-named-for-a-clearly-incompetent business manager Maverick Carter say.

It just pisses me off so much knowing this man exists who is so clueless and self-absorbed that he actually believes this is why there was backlash to “The Decision” and thinks it isn’t an insulting accusation. Insulting to so many people: those who hate him, those who’ve defended him and those who have actually been victims of racism.

Bronbron should probably accept this diagnosis from the futuristic doctor in the movie “Idiocracy.”

Seriously, LeBron. Your shit’s all retarded.

I’ve always thought the dick measurement LeBron held on ESPN was stupid, but I’ve never really cared enough about it because he was a free agent and could go to any team he wanted. That was his right and the ESPN special was the worst decision ever.

But now the retardery has gotten to be too much. He should’ve just accepted that “The Decision” was an all-time awful idea and defended his decision to go to Miami. Just admit that mistake, defend your team choice and at least keep the respect of cooler heads who realize what a small issue this was in the grand scheme of things.

But now he’s responding with triple tardation to the sports fan world which you can never expect to be rational or intelligent. And yet LeBron now looks like the really dumb one in addition to being an asshole.

Let it die, shut the fuck up and win. Christ, offer me Maverick’s job and I will do it much better than him at half the price. Believe me, I’ve at least made big boy decisions before. Though, I don’t blame Carter for anything. If I had a really gullible, clueless best friend with an insane amount of marketable talent, you best believe I’d convince that fucker of my amazing business acumen and profit from it greatly. It would beat the shit out of driving a fucking 2003 Suzuki Aerio. (Yeah, but it’s an SX! A real sweet ride, bro.)

3. People who think CC Sabathia should get the AL Cy Young over Felix Hernandez

Seriously, assholes, calling the people who think King Felix should win the award “stat geeks,” or whatever, doesn’t make them less right. Wins are the most overrated stat for pitchers and I am not going to list all the reasons why here because there are a lot of better writers out there who really love baseball and have already made this argument. And it’s unarguable, let’s leave it at that.

Still don’t agree? See: LeBron diagnosis posted above.

Unless you’re a Yankees fan. I can understand looking at this issue with a homer’s eye. But if you are a Yankee’s fan, then I fucking hate you for that, not the Cy Young thing.

Baseball enthusiasts who call themself ”old-school” rail against sabermetrics, calling them made-up numbers or something equally ignorant.

No, you fucking mongoloid, just because you don’t comprehend the new stats does not mean they are fake. They measure occurrences in the sport of baseball, just like your classic wins, losses and ERA. The numbers derive from actions on the diamond. The only difference is sabermetrics measures the more important occurrences and is actually more relevant. BOOM. Fact.

2. Anyone who thinks Chuck Cecil should set a better example

Chuck Cecil, who was my favorite Green Bay Packers safety when I was growing up, was caught on camera flipping off the refs pretty blatantly during Sunday’s game against the Denver Broncos.

This is awesome just as it was awesome that Chuck Cecil always had blood all over his face during his playing days because he always lead with his big block head while making tackles. Yeah, that shit is illegal now, but I like to think he was a throwback to the days when football players actually hated each other and really tried to physically maim their opponents.

Anyway, I’m sure plenty of sports talking heads will rail against this unprofessional gesturing during the week. Lame.

Who doesn’t flip off the refs every now and then while watching football?

And don’t give me any shit about setting bad examples for the children, either. If the children are going to pick up any bad habits watching football, it’s going to be from their father cussing like mad at the television and storming into the kitchen to take it out on Mommy. That’s how I plan to teach my future children to cuss properly…well, except for the woman-beating part. The kids can learn that from Jay Mariotti.

So take your morals and shove them up your church hole. I’m looking at you, Tony Dungy.

1. AOL Fanhouse editors

First of all, I automatically have disdain for anybody who pays Jay Mariotti to write or speak. He is an annoying douchecanoe.

And now that Mariotti got off with just a misdemeanor charge, Fanhouse is apparently lobbying AOL to keep this creepy woman-beater.

GAH! YOU DUMB FUCKERS. This was a great excuse to rid the sports-loving public from this piece of shit’s writings and yellings! Don’t you see? Now, I’ll have to block Fanhouse access from my children’s internet access.

Please, Fanhouse, let us all now try to forget the angry dwarf and his terrible attempts at humor and sanity. It is time to heal from the beating he has delivered to our good sense and taste for years.

Gosh all money*, do editors just mistake his loudness and brattiness for entertaining, thought-provokingness? I was really hoping he was going to choke to death on a dick in prison.

*Thanks for that phrase, Brian Billick. Maybe you’re not useless after all.

Elton John thinks Mike Singletary is a pussy: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 13:00:50 +0000

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

So I have to go attend and write about some lame-ass meeting tomorrow night when my Packers anally rape the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football.

This irritates me to no end. Now I have to record the bitch on my DVR and avoid all media and contact so I can watch it about 2 hours late. I never thought I’d be the dick who tells people not to talk about the game because I’m gonna watch it later. That is exactly the person I will be Monday night.

I guess it could be worse, though. I could be a Bears fan Monday night. Ha! Aaron Rodgers will skull fuck your secondary!

*Carryover pick: The Europeans

Remember Napoleon? Yeah, that little guy was a prick. And what about Hitler? Yeah, he was a European prick, too. And don’t get me started on Sir Elton John. So spoiled and catty!

I covered the topic of the golfing Ryder Cup in last week’s list, but the tournament actually starts this week so we should all be working our distaste for these tastefully dressed chaps into a froth as the week progresses. Try watching Revolutionary War movies to feed the fire. Like “The Patriot.” Then imagine all Europeans are like that long-haired dude who kills Mel Gibson’s sons. Or if you’re a normal person and hate Mel Gibson, then watch “Braveheart” and root against both sides because they’re all fucking Europeans.

I will be spending the entire week simply draped in a large U.S. flag like Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York.

Huzzah, xenophobia!

3. Joe Gibbs: The Tony Dungy of NASCAR?

So, former Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs owns a NASCAR racing team. And apparently he wants the dude who drives his car and has been kicking ass to quiet down and not talk shit about the dudes he hates. I don’t think I need to expand on my hatred of censoring people who rail against people they hate. Suffice to say: grrr.

Now, I am not a fan of NASCAR and I don’t know any true NASCAR fans, either. My dad does some kind of fantasy NASCAR thing where you pick a guy and hope he finishes well every week. I think there’s money attached to this, but he doesn’t watch the races, thank God. That would be shameful.

I’ve stated before, however, that the only good thing about NASCAR ever was it’s hick, cowboy, lawlessness and brashness. And I believe that is gone now as all the drivers are just impeccable, corporate pitchmen who happen to drive fast. Really, it’s so fucking gay. Even Sir Elton John thinks NASCAR drivers need to man the fuck up and just be the titty loving, beer drinking, out of control assholes they know they really want to be. I’m sick of neutral beige Jimmy Johnson dominating the sport.

So, like football, shit-talking is necessary and fun as hell in racing. And Joe Gibbs shits on fun just as Tony Dungy does, because apparently everything in life is just an opportunity for men to prove what gentlemen they are. In fact, it is every athlete/drivers’ RESPONSIBILITY to do so. Just like every free minute, it is my responsibility to get black out drunk. Well…maybe there’s a difference there.

Oh, hey! Speaking of the devil and alcohol. Apparently Tony Dungy wants to tell good coaches how to behave some more! Rex should have castrated Braylon and run over his mother with a SUV to teach him a lesson about the dangers of drunk driving! And suspended him for 3 years.

2. Mike Singletary

Now that it is officially confirmed that Mike Singletary fucking blows as a head coach, his shtick has worn thin.

And apparently he is a big fucking baby on top of being a big dummy. Yeah, he got a reporter removed for asking about reports that he was having trouble getting offensive plays called. He’s really just a sad old version of the dumb fuck who’s gotten by his whole life on muscle and never had to deal with shortcomings because he WOULD JUST POUND YOUR FUCKING PUSSY LITTLE FACE INTO THE CONCRETE AND THEN PICK HIS TEETH WITH YOUR SPINE.

The questions asked about the efficiency of his offensive staff were fair and if he was worth a shit he would have just produced some bullshit say-nothing political responses. Fuck, I fucking hate people who act like the reporter is trying to discredit them just because they asked a tough question, even when it is a very fair question that people actually want the answer to. As a reporter I deal with that shit all the time and it’s what makes me drink more than I should.

God hates reporters and I hate Mike Singletary. This almost makes me sad as I fucking loved his antics when he got the job. Now I see my mistake and I bet the 49ers higher-ups are doing the same.

1. Houston Texans

Do these fucks realize what they’ve cost the rest of the country. Do they know how good we could’ve had it? We could have had two weeks of watching the Cowboys fall apart and get shit on. Now, not so much.

Just imagine the media shit-storm that would have followed the ‘Boys into their bye week if they would have lost. The whole ruckus that surrounded the team after going 0-2 would have insane if they would have started 0-3. And then they have a bye week so it would have been 2 whole weeks of shitting on them Cowboys.

Oh, man. “America’s Team” would’ve been pointing fingers and their would have been so much speculation about who Jerry Jones was going to hire to replace Wade Phillips. I bet even Jason Garrett would’ve been on the hot seat!

God, Cowboys schadenfreude feels so good. Like Notre Dame hating and Yankees hating, except the Yankees are actually good right now…which is all the more reason to enjoy a shitty Cowboys team.

GAHHH. Every time I hear the phrase “America’s Team” I want to put paper cuts into the underside of my penis.

And I had Tony Romo starting for my fantasy football team this week, too. I’m gonna fucking lose anyway so I wish the Texans had ANY fucking pass defense to shut that smiling punk down. Plus, I benched Marion Barber and he got a touchdown. What a prick. Ray Rice didn’t. So fuck the Ravens, too.

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