Dudes you should hate: whiny suck-ups, whiny soccer players, dudes who like whiny soccer players

Ken on 06 28, 2010

Another shitty week is beginning and, if you’re to keep your sanity, you can’t regularly take out your frustrations on those close to you. Or your boss. Or you coworkers. Or your family. Here are some sports-related targets you have a legitimate reason to direct your hatred toward. They have been given arbitrary numbers like a countdown. Fuck these guys.

5. World Wide Wes

I’m really sick of hearing about this dude. Really sick.

With NBA free agency beginning this Thursday I keep hearing about this dude on ESPN Radio shows and shit. I usually pick up a few stories in my car going to/from work and driving to random locations for articles I’m writing. And somehow, despite “not giving interviews” this dude sure does talk to a lot of journalists quite often.

So this dude is a business man who sells mortgages to NBA players and is now a coaches’ agent for some big firm in LA or something. Oh, and he’s tight friends with a lot of very powerful players, especially LeBron James. Great. But everyone who talks about him says none of his player friends will discuss him “on the record” out of respect for his desire to stay behind the scenes! For fucking real?!? Schaap said Wes does not give interviews but told him that any team that is serious about signing LeBron needs to take Wes into consideration!

And all the stories buy this shit about staying behind the scenes! Yet he makes huge claims about his importance to journalists. So lame. This dude is obviously just building his hype and trying to create some stupid persona of this real sneaky behind-the-scenes dude. Like he’s fucking Keyser Soze!

The Schaap piece interviewed Dennis Rodman who described Wes hanging out with the baller ’90s Chicago Bulls team. Rodman’s whole tone seemed to imply this guy is just some whiny dude who wants to be big and important around big and important people. Rodman giggled about the dude and basically called him a little kiss-ass. And nobody can describe exactly what he does which has me convinced all this guy needs to validate his existence is the approval of famous people. I’m glad I will never be able to make friends through my aptitude for reasonable business advice.

Well, World Wide Wes may have kiss-assed his way into the hearts of several egotistic basketball players but I fucking hate this dude. (Until he sucks up to me enough that I buy a mortgage from him and ask him to car shop with me.)

4. ESPN’s Brett Favre coverage

Oh shit, it’s never really stopped and it’s only going to get worse as the league gets more active. I think the first step toward escalation was last week when they ran non-news blurbs from Favre’s interview with his local dipshit Mississippi paper. There was nothing new and the channel kept showing stupid pull-out quotes that didn’t say anything new.

What’s that? Favre is still undecided about returning! Oh, you guys!

Seriously, I don’t care if he comes back or not. I assume he will because you don’t get shoulder surgery to improve your lawn mowing performance. But I don’t care either way.

And, no, I’m not bitter because I’m a Packers fan and “He left us!” From the start I was glad the Packers booted his ass to try and keep Rodgers as a great long-term quarterback. Sorry, buddy. It’s a business, you’re old and overrated.

And that’s still true! With or without Favre last year the Vikings would have been pretty solid and yet were not going to win it all. The same goes for this year.

I hate Favre especially now because I had hoped I wouldn’t have to hear so much about his uncertainty when he wasn’t in Green Bay but that has proved totally incorrect. Years ago, I thought I only had to hear about it in Green Bay because I was local but this shit has gone national now and I can’t escape it. For that I blame ESPN. Fuckers.

If I had the money I would pay Visanthe Shiancoe to choke Favre to death with that huge hog of his so there would be only a couple more months of coverage of the old man. And that would be an awesome story to follow as all the details came out piecemeal.

“According to forensic reports, it turns out Favre’s internal organs had actually begun to digest the flesh of Shiancoe’s penis before he could pull all of it back out.”

3. Carlos Zambrano

I’ve always hated this guy. He has always acted like a fucking baby. It used to be great when he would get mad and melt completely the fuck down and then get even more angry. God, those were heavenly moments.

Now that he totally sucks, I’m just pleased as punch. And he still throws hissy fits, too! Oh, man. I love that not only is he overpaid, underskilled, and an asshole, but he is also completely clueless about where he stands on the totem pole.

Hey, buddy. Bullpen guys don’t get to show up their teammates.

Hating Big Z has never paid off better than it does right now. Get on the train and feel good about something.

2. Inkoom, or whatever the fuck that Ghana soccer player’s name is

I actually watched the USA-Ghana World Cup match and was certainly disappointed. However this dude’s flopping just seemed to cross some line. I can understand using tactics to milk the clock when you’re leading and shit but this was too far. I can also understand flopping, I mean Clint Dempsey spent more time on the ground than running, but this was bad. Nobody touched him.

He laid motionless for forever after trying some dumb-looking kick. The stretcher had to get him as the fans chanted, “bullshit” and as soon as the crew put the stretcher down on the ground out of play, literally the exact moment, this douchecanoe leapt right to his feet, as if the camera wasn’t still watching him. Fuck!

He still pretended his leg was hurt and then took 17 minutes (I counted. I was also drunk.) to cross the field (non-foreigners should never call it “the pitch”) to get subbed out. This was just bad form, gentlemen. Inkoom clearly has no shame so there is unfortunately no chance of him going home, realizing how he just ruined his honor, and committing harikari. Say what you want about how weird Japanese people are. At least they would have known how to atone for this.

1. Your soccer friend who keeps talking about the World Cup as if it’s still going on

You at least know one guy like this. The only guy you know who owns a soccer jersey.

He’ll keep talking about the sweet matchups and shit and name drop players with stupid foreign names. I was going to do my homework and look up a few of these names to illustrate my point but I just really don’t care enough and neither should you. Be sure to punch this guy in the dick the first time he asks you this week if you saw last night’s match or if you plan to watch tonight’s match. That should get your point across. The World Cup is now over.

This is America, pal. We don’t care if two nations are bombing the shit out of each other and raping each other’s women, as long as it doesn’t interfere with our economic interests. So why would we care if 11 guys each from two nations are kicking a ball around, unsuccessfully trying to score goals against each other for 90 minute stretches at a time?

Fuck that jazz. I can’t waste my time with that shit.

I mean, what if Favre decides that he might still return for this season? I don’t want to miss that.