Even Heidi Montag thinks these guys are fake: The dudes you should hate this week

on 08 30, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days.  You can follow Ken on Twitter.

Ken had so much built up aggression that he decided to take his hatred to the next level last week. Due to the violent nature of the crime, it might be awhile until you read another one of his columns.  Just kidding. Ken’s busy weekend consumed some of the time and energy he normally devotes towards hating and unfairly judging others.  For those of you who are loyal readers of Ken’s weekly column and like to kick start your dreadful Monday by reading a hate-filled article written by someone who is angrier than you, I send my condolences.  No, I don’t.  I actually couldn’t give less of a fuck if you’re disappointed that you visited the site expecting to read Ken’s column, only to find some asshole named Bob’s guest column instead.  Feel free to direct some hatred towards me or Ken for letting you down if the following posers don’t suffice, or hit me up on Twitter.

3. Carmelo Anthony

‘Melo used his Twitter account to put out a “Twit Hit” on self-proclaimed socialite Kat Stacks to his 300K+ followers. “I got 5K for whoever see @ihatekatstacks and slap the shit out her pigeon ass face. Real talk. U fucked with the right one now.” To prove that he was for real, he posted a picture of a pile of benjamins with the caption “When u do it record it and send it to me along with name and address. Real talk”

After Kat Stacks responded on her Twitter account with “FUCK YOU @bayfrazier HIS TWEETS ALL OVER THE MEDIA IF SOMETHING HAPPENS @CARMELOANTHONY GETTING CHARGED HOLLA AT MY MANAGER @K_WALES,” this bozo realized that you can’t just publicly put money on people’s heads. What?! Offering money to the first person who assaults someone could get you in legal trouble?! Hey blockhead, if you really want someone to smack her around, call up one of your goons from that “Stop Snitchin’” video and keep it on the hush. Fucking dumbass.

Having realized he might get into some legal trouble, ‘Melo played the ole “my account got hacked” card. “Im back on! My account was hacked.Thanks twitter for getting me str8. Jst finished my first movie in China now im headed back to the States”

As you might have imagined, the tweets are no longer on his page, but you can see them in this video:

Yeah, ‘Melo, your account got hacked.  Glad you got it figured out!  Shout out to the Twitter team for getting your shit straight.  The hacker just randomly decided to fire shots at Kat Stacks, coincidentally tweets via iPhone and conveniently has $5K cash lying around to snap pictures of. It was probably the same person who hacked my Facebook account the other night and sent out a handful of inappropriate messages! Or maybe it was that bastard that hacked my Ultimate Bet account and emptied the cashier. Damn hackers. I would say hate Carmelo for being such an imbecile, but his moronic behavior is pretty comical. Dude thought he was some smooth operator with the hacker excuse. Instead, hate him for insulting our intelligence, associating himself with hip-hop jump-off Kat Stacks, committing an act of E-thuggery and for not being as thug as we thought he was. Maybe he should take a couple hints from teammate J.R. Smith. The Carmelo I thought I knew would’ve responded to Kat Stacks’ tweet with something along the lines of “I don’t give a fuck about a charge, an extra $5K to whoever slaps and spits on that Avatar-lookin’ bitch.  Dip Set Purple City, West Baltimore, hoe!”

Let’s hope Kat Stacks catches a slap to make things interesting.

2. Julious Threatts

Julious Threatts, a 21-year-old man, is the latest scam artist to get caught lying about his age in an attempt to dominate younger competition, and he’s probably the most ridiculous loser wannabe-athlete to get caught thus far. Threatts attempted to register at a Florida middle school so he could play for their football team and beat up on 13 and 14-year-olds, but ended up getting busted almost immediately after he stepped foot in the hallway.  Yeah, fucking middle school!  Maybe it was the beard stubble, or maybe his cover was blown when the staff noticed he wasn’t prepubescent like all the other 13-year-olds. Idiot. Somehow this grown man was already playing football in a different league with 13-14-year-olds prior to this. I don’t know how this bozo could get away with it, or how you could have fun dominating helpless and inferior kids and not feel like a complete piece of shit.  I wonder how many kids this scam artist discouraged.  Imagine the little defensive back with the psycho dad/coach who just got burnt by a 21-year-old and probably took a couple belt whips at home as a result.   Fuck this Julious Threatts guy.

I always assumed these scam artists’ plans were to get a few college letters, but I don’t know about this guy. A grown man trying to scam his way into middle school?!  Not good enough to dominate 16-year-olds in high school?  Fucking loser.  This asshole would be past his prime by senior year of high school!  I think this dude just got his jollies off dominating kids whose balls have yet to drop, or he had hopes of being the next YouTube sensation.  Maybe he’s a pedophile who thought he had a better chance of picking up 14-year-olds if he was the star football player.  Whatever his intentions were, he’s pretty easy to hate.

While some people may feel sorry for this coward and blame it on a poor upbringing or some kind of mental deficiency,  it’s clear that he isn’t full mongoloid.  He knew exactly what he was doing and was good enough at it to fool people for a short period of time, and for that, you should hate this I-wasn’t-good-enough-to-play-with-my-own-age-group failure of a fraud.  A grown-ass man who tried to go back to middle school to be the stud he never was and never will be.  Get a fucking life.

1. Daniel Mitchell

Boxer Daniel Mitchell did something unfathomable in the sport of boxing by faking an injury against Jeremy Bryan in the first round of their junior-welterweight fight.  You read that correctly, a boxer faked an injury. I’m used to seeing flops and faked injuries in soccer and basketball, but c’mon, boxing?!  These guys will have one eye swollen completely shut, be gushing blood from numerous deep cuts and ready to keel over, but still they insist that the fight doesn’t get called.  And this spineless coward fakes a fucking injury?!  Your life…end it.

From the YouTube clip, it’s clear that Mitchell fakes an eye injury.  Skip to 4:40 and 6:20 to see the replays of the supposed injuries to his eye and to hear the ringside announcers’ reactions.

“He’s grabbing the right eye but in the corner when he was sitting down it was the left eye he was complaining about.  What’s this all about?  Is this guy trying to fool us?  He had us fooled until we saw the replay!…I can’t believe a guy who went through the misery of being in prison would quit!  Maybe there’s something more to it, I don’t know, I’m not going to judge the kid, but something’s fishy, and I don’t like it.”

Well I am going to judge the kid.  He’s one of the biggest cowards I’ve ever seen.  You know why he quit?  Because he quit in prison.  He wanted to pitch but ended up playing catcher while he was in the pen.  Maybe he has trouble seeing because of all the money shots he took from Diesel and Daddy Fat Stacks in the showers.  This is probably how it went down.

Big Bubba:  “It’s cockmeat sandwich time.  Get on your knees, and open your mouth.”

Mitchell:  “I’m nobody’s bitch!  I’m a professional boxer, you better watch who you’re talki—“

Big Bubba:  “GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!”

Mitchell:  “Okay, okay!  Just don’t hurt me!”

Seriously, what a pussy!  How could you live with yourself after faking an injury, especially when your profession is fighting?  Considering how important boxers’ records are, the rigorous training that goes into it and the pride that almost all of these guys have, I never thought I’d see such a blatant and cowardly act in the ring.  I would much rather get knocked out with pride than live with myself knowing I’m a spineless bitch. Go out of your way to hate the fuck out of Daniel Mitchell for being an embarrassment to the sport of boxing and to the male population.  Make sure you remember what eye you’re faking an injury for in the amateurs, bum.

Other awesome content to check out: