How Trevor Matich’s huge head crushed my dreams: The dudes you should hate this week

on 08 9, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

Okay, the sports world is still providing thin material but football is just starting to come back so I’m pretty jacked. But not really. I’m so pumped about the season that the preseason is going to feel like it’s taking fucking forever. It’s so excrutiating. Plus, I’m not paying $40 to get the preseason games so I won’t be able to watch the Packers and overanalyze every position. And God knows there is absolutely no way I’m watching the Bears preseason. I don’t even think the players’ parents will be watching that shitshow.

Onto the things that will drive my hate-filled heart to start the week and should fill yours as well. Remember, there is always room in your heart for hate so don’t think you have to limit yourself to these fellows. You can always add people as they perform douchey acts over the course of the week. After all, even an idiot-savant like me can’t predict all the retardery that is to come every week. I can only identify it and hate it up with all my might. My hatred is perseverent.

4. Guys who overanalyze Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco

As soon as the Bengals signed Owens analysts started saying the “experiment” had to either go very well or burn up miserably. It had to. Apparently none of them could “see” the situation landing anywhere in the middle. Yeah, I hate putting words in quotes like that but those were the terms that were used 100 % of the time by every analyst who pontificated on the subject. And that stat has been verified. Every single analyst made this statement.

The trouble is that nobody gave any reasoning to back up the statement. They just can’t see it. Maybe they need to open up their third eye to better see future possibilities. Yup, it’s not that hard.

Not only can I see the T.O. “experiment” (see what you’ve done, assholes! I can’t even just refer to it as a fucking transaction! Fuck) turning out to be totally mediocre, that is the easiest possibility for me to imagine. In fact, here’s my bold prediction. THE OCHOCINCO/T.O. DUO WILL NOT CRASH SPECTACULARLY NOR WILL IT BLOW THE REST OF THE LEAGUE AWAY. Yup, it’s a couple of receivers in their 30′s, both with flaws in their game and past their prime. Yawn.

I’m just waiting for people to overanalyze the Hall of Fame game and draw conclusions from the fact that Carson Palmer targeted T.O. a handful of times without going to Ochocinco even once. Yeah, they only had, like, 7 plays together and it was the first action of the preseason, but IT’S CLEARLY A SIGN OF HOW THE BENGALS OFFENSE WILL OPERATE ALL YEAR. So we must all envision an entire season where the Bengals use their starting offense for the first two series of every game and gain less than 150 yards each week. Based on the Hall of Fame game, I’m sure that is a solid prediction.

3. These goddamn liberal activist judges are trying to ruin college sports.

Check out this story.  Somebody’s trying to stop college sports coaches from behaving like pricks. This cannot stand. Coaches should be able to violate their contracts just as easily as their employers.

Plus, college sports needs a seedy underbelly to keep it interesting and to keep all the naive school pride-driven coverage at bay. I like having actual reasons to hate coaches and shit without having to muster up some contrived bullshit stereotype about those stupid fucking mongoloids who actually think Ann Arbor is a great place. Muck Fichigan. Ann Arbor is a whore.

It’s great if you can hate a program and their coach because they actually did fuck over your program.

Speaking of hating Michigan. This leads me to my homer pick for the week…

2. Trevor Matich has already fucked up the Wisconsin Badgers football season. What a dick.

This cherub-faced ESPN commentater listed the Badgers as a darkhorse team that could contend for a National Championship. This man is on drugs.

As a UW alum and a lifelong Badgers fan, I can tell you the Badgers only ever do well when they are under the radar and can sneak-surprise everyone with a 10 or 11 win season, losing the two only conference games each year that actually matter. They will then beat some other team that underestimates them because they never hear any hype about them.

What happens when the Badgers have any expectations is that every team they play brings their A-game and the Badgers go 7-6. Matich, you fuck, I now have to resign myself to this fate without ever even enjoying the emotional highs and stupid expectations that always comes with the Badgers winning all of their cupcake non-conference games to start the season, one of which will be a squeaker.

1. Jesus Christ, is everybody a whiny pussy? Yeah, we’re all whiny pussies.

Fucking Florida Gators nation is upset at Emmitt Smith’s HOF induction speech snub? Get the fuck over it. Like the Gators don’t have enough shit to celebrate this decade. So, a guy who attended your university more than 20 years ago didn’t thank you when he gave a speech at a function honoring his professional achievements in his profession. Yeah, poor Florida. You’re always being shit on. It’s not fair!

/draws picture of Jesus on cross with a Gators jersey

//shows it to Mom

///cries and shits pants when she says she won’t put it on refrigerator and says to grow up

I can’t believe anybody would even notice that and then make a big deal out of it. Way to take away someone else’s moment and make it about yourself. Plus, Urban Meyer is fucking ubertarded.

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