Jennifer Aniston probably hates these retards: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken on 08 23, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

Breaking News! Brett Favre played for the Vikings on Sunday! ZOMG!

Just kidding. That’s not news except for anybody retarded enough to think he considered not coming back. The only way Favre was ever not going to return would be if his ankle surgery resulted in an infection in his blood that killed him 4 days later. But hey, sometimes God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I hope this means he’ll throw a crucial interception to Al Harris in a big game with the Packers this year that affects the playoff picture or something. I will skeet all over my girlfriend’s face without warning if this happens. Let this be the test to see whether or not she actually reads this column like she swears she does. I’ll know if she wears a garbage bag poncho to the living room when I watch the first Packers-Vikings match-up of the season.

Also, why the fuck did NBC play Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” as the segue music leading into commercials? It just didn’t fit and it felt weird. That song is only for drunken karaoke (redundant?). I imagine it has to do with Favre’s constant striving for another super bowl. God, I hate NBC. Put them as #5 on this list. I’m pissed just thinking about another year of that shitty Faith Hill intro song for Sunday Night Football. She’s not hot anymore. Or talented…ever.

Btw–the word “retarded” this week is brought to you by Jennifer Aniston, a lady after my own heart.

4. Dudes who act like Ryne Sandberg will save the Cubs

Yeah, Sweet Lou has gone, Cubbies fans. And no, Ryne Sandberg won’t save your team so stop acting like he would.

It doesn’t matter how good he is at managing, there are some serious problems with the entire organization, not the least of which is that I’m stuck living in Cubs fan territory and have to listen to all the deluded gloating and bitching alternate. The trouble is all the gloating and bitching sound exactly the same coming out of Cubs fans’ mouths. I just fucking hate them. Even my local friends turn into overbearing fuckrags as soon as baseball is brought up.

Okay, admittedly that was a tangent. But it just seems like this team has been awful at spending its money well over the years and that has nothing to do with the manager. No manager could win with a roster full of overpaid veterans who underperform, psychotic uncontrollable assholes, and promising young stars who can’t stay healthy. Tim Tebow himself couldn’t manage a team like that to a title.

I feel like the Cubs are K-Mart to the Yankees’ Walmart. Like they both have the same business plan but one of them executes it really well and the other just can’t execute the same game plan as well. And the success of one makes the shortcomings and failures of the other all the more obvious. Man, K-Mart is depressing.

So temper your expectations, Cubs fan who thinks Sandberg will be great. You’re just going to blame him unfairly when he can’t work miracles with the lemons he’s given.

3. Jay Mariotti

Jay Mariotti is a loudmouth who writes for AOL Fanhouse (he gets paid?) and often loudly makes no sense on ESPN’s Around the Horn show. Well, he got arrested this weekend for felony domestic battery.

Obviously hitting your girlfriend or wife or whatever is never a good thing unless she threatens to narc you out for operating a lucrative meth ring, or she likes to play rough in the sack.

Mariotti is terribly annoying and oversimplifies everything and I’m pretty sure he pretends his blog is a “column” instead of a blog because he doesn’t live in his parents’ basement. Yeah, he’s that kind of guy. If you need any reason to hate this guy I’m sure his shitty columns and his ESPN appearances can be found easily. Also just search his name on Deadspin.com. There should be no shortage of evidence of his douchcanoery. I just don’t have the effort to find reminders to hate Mariotti. The hate already runs deep with me.

2. The Redskins and Albert Haynesworth

Albert Haynesworth is a huge dick who stomps on people’s bare heads with metal cleats and generally acts like a selfish baby. The funny thing is Haynesworth said at the time he was ashamed of this stomping incident because it wasn’t representative of who he was. I believed him. I said, “Lay off him. A lot of guys can do shitty things in the heat of a passionate, violent game.” But it turns out that action years ago was perfectly indicative of the kind of asshole he really is.

Then it was easy to dog him this year for showing up to training camp out of shape and indignant about it. Then the asshole Redskins who can never do anything to help their image told us that they had indeed fucked Haynesworth over.

Now, I almost have to side with Haynesworth and I don’t want to do that. Who’s fault is that? The Redskins’ fault, that’s who. So fuck them for giving Haynesworth and moral high ground and fuck him for not really deserving any moral high ground but getting some from a retarded organization that cannot get out of its own way. Fuckin’ retards.

1. Tony Dungy

Tony Dungy doesn’t like swearing. I hate Tony Dungy.

What’s more, I hate everybody who refers to him as “classy” and “an ambassador for the NFL”. It’s probably not news at this point, but for anybody who spends their work hours actually looking at spread sheets and crunching numbers instead of following NFL news, Dungy whined about Rex Ryan’s excessive swearing on HBO’s “Hard Knocks” and said Ryan was doing the league a disservice by representing it poorly. What a fucking dickhole.

Hate Dungy for trying to further the NFL’s brand name blandness. It’s like Dungy revels in the league’s reputation as the “No Fun League”. But if a league is no fun, Dungy, then it is not entertaining. Then it is baseball.

So fuck your sensitive ears, Tony Dungy. I don’t care if parents can’t watch the show with their kids because it’s a fucking HBO show so, like any HBO show, there just might be some dirty in there. And I honestly would have no beef about watching a show with my kid that had a lot of swearing. My dad had a potty mouth that fit the badass ex-Marine that he was and look at me, I turned out perfectly fine…

…hmmmm…

Well, anyway, if my son is such a football fan and wants to be a football player then I want him to see the badass dudes he hoped to associate with. Football is badass, goddammit.

I feel like Dungy wants the NFL to be the family-friendly, Siegfried and Roy type of Las Vegas when the good NFL is actually the coke, gambling and strippers type of Las Vegas.

So I have one thing to say to these bland, universal appeal marketers: DO NOT RUIN FOOTBALL. I NEED THIS.