Jose Canseco will now be saved by The Pretender, Glen Coffee: The dudes you should hate this week

Ken on 08 16, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

3. Jose Canseco

The Bash Brother turned best-selling author turned terrible fighter has now become a softball player or something. He’s broke now and has had his house foreclosed on, I think. I would look it up to confirm any details but I don’t care.

What I do care about is that he’s tweeting his inner pain and self pity. Check it out.

Holy fucking balls is he a whiner! Shit, buddy. You made millions in baseball and wrote a best-selling book! You couldn’t invest a little bit of that money in some conservative stocks to give yourself a nest egg? Fuck you, idiot. I mean, I know a lot of people like to excuse him and say shit like, “He’s been right about steroids all along!” But I don’t care.

He didn’t write Juiced because he wanted to clean up the game. He just needed some money and had no problem selling out his “friends” to do it. Shit, even I’m not that sleazy, though I could forgive sleaze if he’d just be honest about his motives. I consider it disrespectful to my own intelligence that he thinks that I, and others, believe he wrote that book for any reason other than money.

So, if you need someone to hate, just go through his Twitter account and read some of that self-pitying horseshit. It will boil your blood. What does it even mean when he calls himself a modern day Frankenstein? Is he saying he’s a misunderstood monster who cannot by nature fit into society? God, what an asshole. I would’ve made him number one on this list because of his behavior but he doesn’t matter enough.

2. The PGA

The PGA fucked up a sweet-ass major tournament playoff Sunday, giving Dustin Johnson a two-stroke penalty on the last hole which kept him out of the 3-hole playoff. More importantly, the PGA fucked up my full enjoyment of being lazy and seeing some entertaining golf at the same time. Yeah, that’s right: entertaining golf! Instead of rooting for the big-swinging young American, I had to choose between some knock-kneed tiny Floridian (Floridians are almost as bad as Texans) and some robot-efficient German.

Who the fuck cares about some rule about “grounding your club” when playing out of a bunker. I’m still not even sure what that means. And no casual fan cares, either. The PGA had a chance to thrill people with some great tension. They had Dustin Johnson trying to redeem himself after falling apart on the last day of the U.S. Open. And it seemed like he may fall apart again — he missed the putt that he thought would’ve iced the tourney — or he might hold it together! But nope. Instead viewers were able to be bored to death and confused by some tiny, obscure rule.

Way to fuck yourselves, PGA. The fucks might not need to rely on Tiger so much for ratings if they could keep their own tight-ass, old white man rules in check.

And mumbling Mark Wilson didn’t help the situation. CBS trotted out the PGA vice president of mumbling incoherently and stuttering to “explain” the situation. He didn’t do this well. I get that a rule is a rule, but this is as bad as basketball players being suspended for vital playoff games because they crossed their “bench line” to try to break up a fight. It’s all stupid. Sports is entertainment, so stop fucking around and entertain me.

The final two men left in the tourney for the playoff were so unappealing that I ended up falling asleep on the couch, which is cool. However, I would have preferred to watch Dustin Johnson have a chance at redemption and then I could’ve fallen asleep on the couch afterward.

1. The AVP

The professional beach volleyball league has no money and has closed up shop. Here’s their goodbye.

When I first found out about this I wrote down a note to remember it for this column. Here’s the note:

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

This was, by far, the world’s sexiest sport. So much spank bank material. Whether you dig girls or guys, beach volleyball players love their bodies and love to show them off, all tanned and barely covered. And I loved to watch.

Goddammit! Aren’t people buying enough Crocs for Crocs to sponsor the league any more? Shit, if I’d known there was so much trouble I would’ve bought a pair. I bet the news of Brett Favre sending Jenn Sterger textpics of him jacking his dong while wearing his Crocs has something to do with this. That is not the kind of endorsement any company wants. I can only imagine the strange grin on his face in that pic. GO AHEAD. PICTURE IT!

Anyway, this at least gives us all a question we can ponder and debate during the boring, long hours of the work week: What is the new sexiest professional sport? The correct answer is women’s golf, the LPGA. Sorry, tennis.

*Bonus Fun News to follow for the week: Glen Coffee is solid speculation gold

23-year-old, second year running back Glen Coffee retired from the 49ers. Man, that’s good shit. This provides us the opportunity to speculate/list/bet on the reason for Coffee’s “retirement.” You could also get a pool going over how long until he returns to work off that $600,000+ he owes the team.

I hope it comes out that he quit football to pursue his true passion of making scented candles. After all, that internet makes it real easy to sell candles globally so the time has never been better to get started. His mint chocolate scent is truly to die for!

Or maybe he’s gonna design and market ready-to-assemble, high end tree houses. Or he’s gonna pan for gold. Or he’s gonna open a moped rental business for tourists in Italy. Or maybe he has a debilitating meth addiction.

All are truly hilarious possibilities, really. Sort of.

It just occurred to me that maybe Coffee is a Pretender and there was some person that he could only help by being a football player! He must have just finished saving that person! Holy shit this man is to be commended. I will miss him and hope I see his face as the doctor about to perform my heart surgery just before the anesthesia knocks me out. I imagine I’d recognize him and just as I was about to say his name the drugs would take effect and I’d only get out, “Gle….”

His surgical team would be none the wiser.