NBA All-Douche Team

Bob on 07 15, 2010

With the free agency shitstorm finally beginning to settle, a new-fangled uber-douche has emerged from the dust, which gave me the idea to follow up the NBA All-Ugly team with an NBA All-Douche team. Unfortunately for some players, they made both the All-Ugly and All-Douche squads. Ugly and a douche? Maybe the next squad assembled should be the NBA All-Suicide-Alert team so a few of these fellas can go for the trifecta. Anyways, similar to the All-Ugly team, I’m relying on feedback/suggestions to finalize the roster with a 3rd team and reserves.

1st Team Douches

PG Stephon Marbury

Is an explanation as to why Starbury earned a spot on the 1st team really necessary? To keep it short: he has a sweet tattoo on the side of his head and eats Vaseline during his downtime. Oh, and this:

G Kobe Bryant

Sure, he’s arguably the best player in the game; but that doesn’t give him exemption from making this roster. Let’s face it; Kobe Bryant is a major douche. A winner, but a douche nonetheless. Want to know how to easily spot a tool? Look at his circle of cronies, or in this case, his fans. Douches attract other douches. I’m not implying that all of Kobe’s fans are tools by any means, just..most of them. Anyways, Kobe’s not only a cocky mega-douche – he’s a rapist! “But he’s innocent until proven guilty,” they all say. The glove didn’t fit OJ but we damn well know he’s a murderer! Big Ben hasn’t been convicted, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t dangle his meatpole out of his pants at the bar! You get my point. Furthermore, that face Kobe makes just screams douche! You’re really good at basketball, dude – I get it. That doesn’t justify making a face like this:

SF LeBron James

The aforementioned uber-douche who has emerged from this free agency madness is none other than LeBron James. A coward, a liar, a drama queen, the epitome of a douche. This guy calls himself the King, yet he leaves his throne to go to Wade County. He promised Cleveland a championship and failed to deliver, and then had the nerve to say the Miami Heat will win 8 titles! Sure, I could see this Miami team winning multiple championships, but 8?! When you don’t even have one yet?! And don’t even get me started on “The Decision.” How absurd. Know how non-douches handle their business? They quietly sign an $85 million extension and stay loyal to their team (Durant). Everyone said we would find out what kind of person LBJ was after he made his decision. It’s clear now – he is a huge, huge douche.

PF Kevin Garnett

KG is a veteran to this roster. Obnoxious yelling, talking to the basketball, punching yourself in the head, punching others below the belt and banging your head on the post is a good way to earn a spot on the 1st team All-Douche roster. Intentionally hitting another man in the junk is douchebaggery at its finest. “Anything is possible!” Yeah, making the 1st team NBA All-Douche is possible!

C Joakim Noah

Once a douche always a douche. Joakim Noah had to be one of the most despised players in college basketball, and he certainly wasted no time in earning a spot on the All-Douche roster during his short duration in the NBA. Noah’s intensity and the way he plays the game of basketball are admirable, but there’s no denying that personality-wise, he’s a flaming douche. My proof:

2nd Team Douches

PG Gilbert Arenas

What a bozo. What kind of asshole pulls a pistol on someone as a joke, and then mocks and pokes fun at the whole incident like it’s not a big deal? Ignorance of this magnitude cannot be overlooked. To his credit he didn’t snitch, but his spot on this roster is well deserved nonetheless.

SG Sasha Vujacic

Vujacic was a tool way before the Slovenian Squabble with Phoenix guard Goran Dragic. His hairstyle may have changed from the long & girly look to the contemporary 14-year-old boy cut, but being a giant douche has remained constant throughout. After being witness to the silliness/absurdness that took place between the two scrawny, white Slovenians all series, Vujacic solidified his name on the All-Douche roster. He probably deserves to be on the 1st team, but it’s hard enough as is to consider him an NBA player. “Sasha.” That just sounds like a douche.

SF Josh Howard

What?! Josh Howard hates America?! But goddammit I’m Amurrrican! Honestly, that’s not even why Howard made the All-Douche team. I couldn’t care less about Josh Howard’s comments. I don’t care if he likes the National Anthem or not. It’s not my problem. What’s ridiculous is that Howard was trying to be some tough guy during the singing of the National Anthem. Big-time douche. “You angry at breakfast?….You gang bangin’ on bacon?” Get a life.

PF Kenyon Martin

There is only one type of person on this world who would try to maintain the thug image while toting a tattoo of red lips on his neck – a flaming douche.

C Kendrick Perkins

Perkins is a huge douche and he knows it. Why do you think he is always mean muggin’? Hard head makes a soft ass. You’re not fooling anybody, Kendrick!