Purple lips, stupid fuck-ups, and cocks who think LeBron is still news: The dudes you should hate this week

on 08 2, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days.

I’m drunk. It’s late Sunday evening as I write this. I want to go to bed. Nothing is happening right now in sports because NFL training camps are too new to bring any real drama, yet. I hate the sports leagues for not planning their shit better. Fix your schedules, dicks. I need some fucking action. All this makes me grumpy. So take the entire sports world as the 4th dude you should hate this week. Here’s three more dudes who piss me off enough that they surpass all these other assholes.

3. A-Rod

Hit the fucking home run already so I can stop hearing about it. See, this guy agrees.

I don’t hate A-Rod for his money, or his stupid photo poses, or his luck with the ladies, or his choking in big situations before this past post-season, or even his being a Yankee. I just hate him because his approach to 600 homeruns has all the sports journalists talking about how sad it is that it’s not a bigger story that he’s about to cross this big plateau.

He’s not the only one who took steroids, by a long shot, and yet he’s still one of the few about to enter the 600 homer club. Still pretty cool. Also: yes, I get it that home run numbers are not as big or important  as they used to be. Is that news? Who the fuck just realized that? That’s not news.

So I hate this fuck because he won’t just cross that line so these other fucks will stop musing out loud about these shitty questions. Just give me Packers training camp updates.

2. Jeremiah Masoli

Hey! Huston Nutt gave him a chance to redeem himself! The one thing I hate the most is people who act like the media fucked them by reporting inaccurate information. According to this story, the disgraced, troublemaking former Oregon Ducks quarterback has his own website where he points out media factual errors. I assume he created this section on his website to clear his name.

Yup, he’s just another victim of inaccurate media reports. Here’s the page. It’s great. He proves nothing but that he hasn’t learned anything and he still won’t admit he’s a piece of shit.

“But he hugs his Grandma!” you say. That could be some old lady he’s squeezing to steal her purse, for all I know. Even if it is his grandma, that doesn’t mean shit. Even Jeffrey Dahmer had a Grandma. I’m pretty sure he did, at least.

Really, though. You have to be a complete piece of shit to get kicked off the Oregon football team when you are the star quarterback. Hell, LeGarrette Blount was allowed back on the team in the same season after being caught suckerpunching a dude in the face on national television. If he were an innocent victim of media misrepresentation, his coach, teammates and university would have bent over backwards to stick by his ass and they would’ve defended him to the death.

But, no. They admitted he was a piece of shit and kicked him to the curb, risking their season.

So fuck you. I’m so sick of people blaming the media and acting like all the media wants to do is smoke them all. Oh, so sorry Jeremiah. Apparently he wasn’t ever arrested for burglary. But he was charged with it and pleaded guilty to the charge. Guess what, this means he ADMITTED HE WAS GUILTY OF THE CHARGE. Fuck you, whiner. Good luck in Mississippi. I think you’ll find it really similar to your home state of California and you should be comfortable there where racial harmony reigns.

1. Anybody who still talks about LeBron or the Miami Heat

Doesn’t matter where you stand on the question of how big a douche LeBron is. I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

As a journalist who has to cover two counties I can spend a good amount of time in my car. I typically listen to the ESPN radio station and catch their better show hosts. I am also always hoping to catch exciting sports news and fresh takes on it.

However, over the past two weeks I seem to always be in the car when Colin Cowherd comes on to piss all over my sense of decency. Really, the guy acts like a fucking brilliant psychologist, and the only man brave enough to tell me what I really think about things. He acts like fandom is a joke and he is above it when, really, if it weren’t for fans, and their need for escape, there would be no large sports industry to overpay his stupid ass. Fuck him.

But what bothers me most is that he keeps spending all his air time relating everything that happens in the entire world of sports to LeBron James. Goddammit. He supports LeBron and his choices and how he’s building and protecting his own image and money. I don’t begrudge him that. You know what, whiners? LeBron did have that choice to have “The Decision” and he earned that opportunity and he can do what he wants. Yes, he outed himself as a douchebag and shattered any moron’s fantasy of him being a savior. But guess what? 99% of professional athletes are douchebags! Any respectable adult male understands this and stopped idolizing sports figures when they were 14 years old. Still that doesn’t mean we can’t create false pretenses to support who we support. Sports for the fan is an escape from the shitty job we blow off to read this shitty blog post.

Anyway, Cowherd won’t let it go and has to spend all his time rubbing in his viewpoint like he is the only one with the balls to say it. It’s so annoying. And no, I’m not exaggerating. He brings it up EVERY FUCKING DAY and then acts like he’s at odds with all his listeners. No, Colin, you are at odds with the losers sad enough that they call in and e-mail your radio show during normal business hours. THIS DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE SAVIOR FOR THE TALENTED PEOPLE OF THE WORLD. Also, he compares himself to artists, athletes, musicians, poets, whatever. He thinks he’s part of that creative class.

So hate Colin Cowherd because I’m sure he has another week ahead of him of not letting the LeBron thing die. And hate every other fucker who doesn’t realize it’s time to start talking football.

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