Ultimate Frisbee is Ultimately Blows

on 07 10, 2010

I was at the park the other day and I witnessed what anyone else might witness on a summer evening at a park, a game of ultimate frisbee. This wasn’t any game of ultimate frisbee however; this appeared to be a league of some kind. And then it hit me, what kind of a terrible game is ultimate frisbee? That’s what it is; it’s a game, not a sport. The thought that came into my mind was, “Who ok’d this?” Why do these impromptu games break out and why are there collegiate National Championships? There needs to be an immediate committee assembled to stop the advancement of this game among people in the United States, and if that committee existed, these would be the main points for why it is a terrible, terrible game.

1. Frisbee + Activity = Pointless. For starters the frisbee itself is kind of a stupid thing, and it should be noted that its charm mainly exists if you’re chilling outside with some friends and a couple of brews or you’re a current or burnt-out stoner. So when you take this disc and tell me to go running around trying to catch it, I say “Screw you, where are the beers?”

2. You Can’t Run with the Frisbee. There is not a sport where you cannot move with the main object in play, thus why this is again not a sport. Instead of being able to run with the frisbee, everyone just runs around in circles hoping that the person with the frisbee will throw it to them. This act of running around trying to get open so you can get the frisbee is a silly looking thing.

3. What Are The Rules? No, seriously, what are the rules? You don’t go play basketball, football or soccer and need to establish ground rules like how far away the defender can stand and what constitutes as an inbounds catch.

4. How Do You Get Possession? If you’re on defense and you want to gain possession of the frisbee, all you need to do is knock it down, not catch it, knock the thing down. This is the stupid rule of all stupid rules. If this rule applied elsewhere, say football, Derrelle Revis would have 7 interceptions a game. So not only do these defenders chase around the people trying to get the frisbee thrown to them, they then swat at the things like little kids jumping up for a high five.

5. The Whole Thing Just Looks Stupid. So if you have been following along, this is what we have – one person who is frozen with the frisbee, a defender in front of that person waving their arms like an idiot, a group of people without the frisbee running around in circles trying to get open so the person with the frisbee will throw it to them, and a bunch of defenders chasing these people running in circles trying to bat the frisbee down, not catch it. This whole act just looks and sounds idiotic. Sports don’t look dumb like this, they look awesome.

So when that committee against calling ultimate frisbee a sport and disallowing its progress meets, I will be at the forefront with these five carefully laid out points and a t-shirt that says, “Go Suck a Disc.”

Other awesome content to check out: