“You’re in labor right now? Sorry, honey. The game’s on.”:The dudes you should hate this week

Ken on 09 7, 2010

Because sports is a pretty safe outlet for all the hate, failure and aggression in your life, here is a list of dudes at whom you should direct those death threats you like to whisper under your breath during those shitty moments that seem to fill up the days. You can follow Ken on Twitter.

Welcome back to my pain, friends. Actually, I like to think of it as our pain. And boy is there a lot of it to fit into such a short work week.

The first morning back to work after a long, holiday weekend is just the worst. I am getting in a shitty mood just anticipating it as I am writing this Monday night. GAAAAHHHH! Stupid alarm sound. Noon staff meeting. Time management and advance planning! Tucked in shirt and a belt!

Jeebus, I just want to sit around in my boxers eating pizza and only getting dressed to go to the gym so I don’t feel like a total piece of shit. And for three glorious days this weekend that is just what I did, except when I went out to get drunk.

Well, back to the grind. And back to the professional gridiron this week! College football will likely be mostly good schools playing cupcakes again this week so getting NFL games that actually count will be pretty sweet. Oh, btw, TV execs. Thanks for not making the fucking UW Badgers game available anywhere for me. It was the 12 ranked team playing at least an FBS school, unlike some of the other televised games which featured FCS squads. Fuck you all and fuck being stuck in Illinois Fistfucking Illini territory. Fucking stupid orange bitches.

Moving on. In honor of the return of football, here is your all-football “Dudes…” list. Oh, and thanks to Bob for picking up the slack for me last week. He performed admirably for a piece of shit fan of the The Ohio State Buckeyes. Huzzah, college rivalries!

4. Taylor Swift and a girl I think is Selena Gomez

First, look at this photo here. There are more copies of this at other sites, too.

Here was my reaction: sigh.

These two girls are responsible for a large amount of annoying shit over the television and radio waves. And now they have aligned themselves with one of the most insufferable, delusional fan bases in the nation? Goddammit. It’s not that I’m surprised or anything, I just hate the thought of Golden Dome-lovers thinking they are cool or that the school has some sort of universal appeal or some celebrity appeal.

Lord knows Notre Dame fans should not be encouraged to believe their football program has some sort of prestige. It does not. I’m sure the school’s apparel sales will go through the roof now, which is just lame.

This development does, however, seem logical. I was trying to think of some way to compare this to Hitler going to cheer on some evil team, but that is way, way over the top and a little lazy. A lot of people, and especially myself, tend to automatically think of Hitler when the topic of evil is breached. But Notre Dame isn’t relevant enough to warrant comparisons so lofty. Instead, this combo is to petty annoyance what Chuck Norris rooting on the original USA basketball Dream Team would be to ass-kicking. Does that make sense? I’m trying to say Taylor Swift and Selena
Gomez are to the music industry what Notre Dame is to football fans for the last 20 years: annoying and gay.

And you know what, Taylor Swift? Kanye was right!

3. NFL Network

This is terrible news. Just click this link because I could not explain this matter any better myself.

2. Randy Moss

This man is an amazing athlete but he just keeps reinforcing all the negative perceptions about himself, at least if this PFT news item is to be believed.

Good God, man, you’re really good at what you do. Just play your fucking brains out and the next contract will come from somewhere! Go and play so well that teams are given no choice but to have to pay you. Don’t fucking sulk and whine about how you don’t feel wanted because you haven’t been offered a contract extension, yet.

Nobody gives a shit if you don’t feel wanted! You make millions of fucking dollars while a lot of people have to deal with actually feeling unwanted as they continually fail to land a job — any job. Shit, I spent two whole months getting passed up for reporting gigs that pay crumbs! There is a real world where people have real problems, dickbag. This is not the time for you to whine about feeling unwanted.

Ugh. The more I think about this the more I want to put this guy at the top of the list. And I would, too, on almost any other week of the year. However, this week’s number one, if he/she does exist, is just the worst type of person.

1. Anybody who schedules anything for Thursday night

This night is reserved for the first game of the NFL regular season which all football fans have been fucking dying waiting for. It doesn’t matter who is playing –Vikings vs. Saints — but only that it is a game that actually counts. A game that will be played by starters who actually give a shit.

So, if anybody schedules any work meetings, family events, date nights (I’m looking at you, wives/girlfriends!) or anything that overlaps or conflicts with watching the game, you have the legal right to fucking hate that person more than AIDS or accidental pregnancies. Go ahead, push them down the stairs. I’ll allow it.

I am on pins and needles because I have not done enough preparation and planning for the week to know whether I have to cover any meetings or anything Thursday evening. And I will not know until 10 or 11 a.m. Central Standard Time at the earliest. Plus something could come up at the last minute or something. Basically, I will be living in fear until kickoff.

God, I hope Brett Favre’s left leg snaps apart at the ankle. Let’s see how great his “story” is then. Fuck that opportunistic drama queen.